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Eating Rats
Notes on Being a Carnivore from Teutonic Fist

I've wondered a while about what the Ghetto Grocer would actually eat. Almost nothing else provides as much insight in a culture then their cuisine, and the fact that the English word for that is French already says a lot.

When I was in the states the culture shock was how much and how fast people eat. No wonder they are all so fat. It’s just about to stuff your stomach before it can even signal to the brain "hey I'm full stop stuffing me up you greedy pig". Also I saw a lot of corn, which is weird cause in Germany corn is foremost to feed animals and the strains of corn that are farmed here are actually not meant for human consumption. It’s something to grind down and feed cattle with. Personally, I don't like beef (also a French word, by the way). There are actually just a few parts on this big and expensive animal you can actually eat beside the organs. Most parts get grinded down or thrown in the soup. But since last year the first European bison in Germany was killed since quite a while I'm

gunning for this thing next.

Also I don't like pork beside the heart, it’s just a too fatty or dry meat for my taste. Liver is too, but smells like a pigsty cause in the liver there is a lot of residues of the starch from the animal food. Wild boar compared to that shit is like between heaven and earth. Boar is great. But real wild boar, not those feral pigs running around in North America. Even if the irony is that the feral pigs in North America are by now more wild then the wild boars we have around here. Because they come in the suburbs and even the inner city and have no shy anymore.

Turkey is also very popular even it’s not called Turkey, there are like two different words for the wild Turkey and the domesticated Turkey and I was 22 when I actually realized that they mean the same animal. The white meat you can't eat without gravy it’s just too dry, but the legs are great and the neck too. Turkey hearts are also great. By the way I think you know that in English people say white meat for breast and red meat for legs because these fucking Victorian puritans were clutching their pearls as soon someone said "breast". Bunch of sissies how they could maintain the British Empire is a real mystery.

Deer I never liked that much. I think it’s highly overrated and if you ever cut a few up and found all those illnesses and parasites they have it loses a lot of its charm.

Chicken I consider a dirty animal and I almost never eat them besides their hearts. I had to barn once that had this chickensty on the side and that piece of shit dumb peasant just fed them with like rotten vegetables and stuff and when the sun came out there was a lot of movement in this filth and chickens running around. I also found a rat skeleton in a cut-off rain pipe that I lost the skull of, but more of that later. So chickens are dumb and dirty and noisy animals and were just domesticated so that we can eat their unfertilized eggs. Is basically period sucking tier shit.

Duck is pretty good and it’s a really fatty bird. When i broil a duck I extract the fat afterwards, put it in glasses and in the fridge because it’s good for cooking. Water dwelling birds always contain a lot of fat. You can do the same with a goose, but because a goose is such a big bird the occasion to eat one is rather rare.

What I ate a lot around Christmas is rabbit and afterwards because they sold all the holiday feast meat they couldn't sell before for half and there was a lot of rabbit parts off for 50%. But rabbit is a meat that does not contain fat and when the whites encountered the Plains Indians, they saw that many of them were malnourished because they had to rely on rabbit meat for a while that cannot feed a human body. And you know that even compared to the most Native American tribes the Plains Indians were mad max road warrior type savages. So all you do is add some beef broth to the rabbit. Long time cook told me once I made the best rabbit he ever had and that’s mainly because it needs some fat added to it. You can basically add beef broth to anything, it’s just fat and fat is the number one flavor carrier, not fucking sugar. The heart is also very good.

A hare is something I have maybe twice a year simply because you need to hunt them. Hares are not rabbits. So the last time i had one, a few month ago, one of those side effects is spitting 5 shotgun bullets out while dining and then i get angry because these fucking idiots still hunt hares with shotguns instead with .22 long rifle and thermo sight. The shotgun bullets don't even kill the hare, the hare gets a heart attack most of the time when it’s hit.

What I also had a couple of times is rat meat, simply because of curiosity but then it turned out to be pretty good meat. It’s a rather dark meat and there is a lot of it in the lower legs and in the back. Just to catch ‘em is the problem because there is a very small generation you can catch with traps if you don't go for an air rifle hunt like those Brits do on youtube with night vision, cause the older animals are too smart for them and the younger once are too small to really eat. So at one point we actually bought them for snake food and ate them ourselves. Was the most expensive meat I had so far lol.

Moral of the story is, if you wanna go paleo but you ain't a faggy hipster who thinks buying venison once a week from his techy job salary makes him less of an office faggot go for organs. Organs are the real "paleo"(is the wrong period by the way) is eating mainly organs like liver and heart. Kidneys are also very good. These organs are cheap because no one eats them anymore. But don't go for the butchers if you don't need to because everything is more expensive there and it comes from the same source, but I think you already know that.

Do you know what they do mostly with hearts?

Fat old broads feed them to their dogs. Makes me raving mad every time I see it. These are great pieces I would feed my pregnant woman or my growing child and they waste

it on dogs, on fucking inbred surrogate children. It’s a crime against nature.

Beef hearts are a substantial ingredient in frozen hamburger patties of the lower price ranges.

Also since you mentioned this repacking of old meat in the last crackpot episode, this is something I would bring back medieval public punishment for. There was a method called the bakers baptism where you publicly waterboard those grocers that sell you too small breads or otherwise faulty food stuff. It’s a metal cage you put the wrongdoer in and then lower it into the river for a couple of times until he learned his lesson. I would do this mostly with farmers that give their cattle and pigs a lot of water before they bring it to the slaughter so that they can get more money for the weight. And i would livestream it.

That’s also why I don't need beef and pork but rather turkey legs and duck, cause birds don't have a stomach you could fill with water for weight. The only thing they will lose during cooking is fat, and fat is good.

So if you take my advice start with pigs hearts. You can do them medium rare or even red, it’s the only part of a pig where you can do it and it tastes really great.

And personally I don't eat paleo cause it’s degenerated into this hipster shit a while ago. There is too much green stuff in it for my taste. I don't want to eat like... leaves and shit. And fruits are not good for your teeth, too much acids. I mean I know people who work in bullshit office jobs and study at college but think they gonna eat like some fucking hunter-gatherer that maybe walks around for a couple of hours a day and then just sits around for the rest and cooks.

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LaManoMarch 6, 2018 8:58 PM UTC

I read your piece with some enjoyment (especially concerning the contrived "paleo" fad with which some of my extended family indulge themselves), and some of it is just a matter of taste ("I don't like this but I do like that"), which is like reading that you like dark-haired women with large breasts but that you think that tall slim blond women are ugly and nasty. Interesting information but not very informative and no application to me or anyone else.

But I can inform you of one thing that you probably don't know (meaning no insult, of course, but taking a cue from your current vernacular and style) ... and that is that you don't know a Fucking Thing about cooking meat.

To say that pork is "dry", that most of a beef cow isn't edible, that turkey breast meat can't be eaten without "gravy", that venison is full of "parasites", betrays a bewildering degree of ignorance about food preparation, and that not only you but anyone who has ever prepared those meats for you is a fucking kitchen idiot who shouldn't be allowed in the same room with fire and meat together.

I shoot, butcher and prepare about 2 deer every year for my family, I cook pork that will absolutely melt in your mouth (and a Frenchman taught me how to do that), I know how to cook a turkey breast so that it is juicy and tender (and the process takes about 24 hours), and I know that there is no real difference between a European and an American wild boar - it's all in how it's cooked.

Other than that, our tastes differ mainly in the matter of organ meat. No matter how it's cooked, you can have my share! But that's just personal taste ....