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Abner Goodboy
A Good Ghana Man Makes Bad Blood in a Bad New England Town

Puerto Rican Shithole U.S.A.

Springfield, Mass, population 154,000, Rican population 50,000—One Third Rican, Ekin’ and Seepin’…

While drinking at Jack Doyle’s Irish Pup in Manhattan I was regaled by a lawyer licensed in NY and Mass. Below is one of his cases.

My client is a law-abiding, easy-going Ghana Man, a good boy. He was working—and still is—in the worst possible shithole situation, an overnight gas station attendant in the most savage Puerto Rican town in New England. He had been a martial artist and kept a bag with his training equipment in it on hand so he could practice on down times.

Enter the plaintiffs, two Puerto Rican brothers who work in the trades and blow their entire paycheck every Friday night at a strip club. This is what they do, leave the entire pay check in G-strings after busting their asses all week. They even explained this to me in the deposition as a reasonable reward for a week’s work.

These guys were so drunk they were falling down during the snow when they come to the gas station in an attempt to reach the Dunkin Doughnuts on the other side. One brother slips on the lot and the other brother insists that Abner call 911. Abner is not having it. He says, “I pump gas. Unless you need gas, fuck you.”

So these assholes take off their Gucci belts with the big buckles and start swinging them at him. He runs into his booth and gets out his nunchukas and hits one of them in the head—all this is going on in the snow—and the chain of the chucks breaks and he’s left holding one little stick.

He darts into the booth as these guys continue to press him and gets a shovel and just lays these guys out. The one guy had to have a piece of his skull removed to relieve the pressure and then they screwed it back on when the brain swelling reduced. And to demonstrate what kind of guys these are, they get into another drunken brawl a few months later and the hospital staff have to remove that piece of skull again to treat another brain injury. Let me tell ya, these guys aren’t getting any smarter.

I have to believe that any jury is going to find for my guy.

What surprised me was that the nunchuks broke that easily. I told him, “If we win this case I’m buying you a new set of chuks!”

Violence Guy Advice

Nunchukas tend to wear at the links, particularly the [sometimes hidden link under the cap] where the chain attaches to the pin. If you get chain chucks make sure the pin is exposed. However, I prefer the cheap red oak, rope octagons. They will wear, but can be bought as a matched pair, one for practice one for defense. Also, the rope flexes, unlike the links, which prevents snapping from shock.

The Boned Zone: Surviving Urban Predation

Don't Get Boned: The Harm City Handbook

Add Comment
ShepApril 23, 2018 8:23 PM UTC

"Puerto Rican Brain surgery" sounds like a good name for an indie rock band.

How much frickin' money does it cost the taxpayers (ie, you and me) to continually repair these Australopithicenes?

Independence for Puerto Rico and adios muchachos!
ShepApril 23, 2018 8:18 PM UTC

Use the single handle as a yawara stick.

Eyes, ears, nose, and throat.
Glasgow NedApril 23, 2018 4:54 PM UTC

Another Ghana story from Mass