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‘True to My Life’
Suzanna’s View of the World

I scored an interview with a very special violence survivor, a women who survived the kind of violent encounter that kills most men who are subject to it, a larger man attacking from behind with a knife. Suzanna’s harrowing combat and the tragic comedy of the aftermath will appear in the book The Combat Space due for publication in autumn 2018.

I have never been into sport fighting. The only time I’ve ever fought was out of hatred for the other person, for what they were doing to me. Ever since I was a little girl I was told I had a bad temper but I didn’t find it was a flaw, so I kind of held into it. There is a lot of propaganda going on in this world, a lot of lies, and I don’t want to be a victim or a perpetrator of more lies.

The basic question is how you determine the truth. The media…not [laughter]… truncates the truth according to an agenda they are following and it flows down to the low level employees and they better go along with it or they will lose their job. They push certain narratives and one of them is that only white people can be racist. But my experience here in Baltimore has been the opposite. Since I was young I was picked on by none-white girls, almost every day. I was called white bitch so often I turn my head when I hear it—like it’s my name. It is was so common in my day to day that I forgot about it. People that have any feeling left after the media is done with them should be insulted that they have no anger left, that they have no accessible anger.

In grade school I had my first fight and everybody was surprised because white girls don’t fight. So the way that none-white girl thought that fight was going to go it didn’t go that way. I knew by instinct how to use certain parts of my environment like floors, railings and walls and I learned more about being aware –I was living in a sea of people with their heads in the clouds, walking on automatic pilot with their heads in bubbles and hoping their bubble wouldn’t burst. And so many [bad] people are banking on that being the case and people being taken easily advantage of, that predatory people rely on that and they are confounded when some feminine girl fights back.

One of the essences of my life was and is measuring my life experience with the perceived wisdom—that I live here in this city and a lot of my life experience contradicts the greater world you are told to believe in. There are no men coming to swoop down and rescue me from a situation. The erosion of true masculinity along with that of true femininity pretty much insures that this will not happen. You have all of this gender appropriation going on, with gay men thinking they can be a woman and are competitive with biological women and they think they are prettier than me. This is another way that women who have regained true femininity are hated and subject to outrage. There is no sense of outrage of womanhood being coopted by gay men. Gay men are well off financially, their bars are swank. You can sic the PC police on me for saying that, but lesbians are broke and gay men are flush.

I’m a cahier in a supermarket, at my first job, I was experiencing anti-white racism there. My one manager [of the ebony master race] would tell me, when it was break time, “Why don’t you go smoke some crack in the park with all the white people.”

I was told, on the job, by management, that I was so white I was transparent. That was mingled in with this general anti-white racism. Non-white and mixed people—who I feel sorry for because I have seen anti-white racism directed at clearly mixed people—have insulted and threatened me throughout my life. Most of the time aggression directed against me has been mixed and non-white people. In the city it is as if people are ashamed to be white. You have to wonder at how much there is and where it is coming from. People hate themselves for being white or are ashamed of it.

I have no white guilt and I’ll say that to people. You can’t manipulate my mind by making me feel ashamed for being white. Instead of watching competitive sports I’ll watch You Tube videos of nonwhite people attacking white people [there is truly no end to this footage] and they don’t even defend themselves. How said is that?

In your book, Thriving in Bad Places, where you talk about “the constant failure of most Americans to recognize violence for what it is and even qualify it” that struck me as so true to my life, where even people who are subjected to violence deny it and stick their head in the sand.

Women are territorial by nature and we should defend ourselves. And it is unfathomable that so many white women actually refuse to defend themselves. I just can’t adopt that narrative, that self-hatred and remain true to my life.

That’s not me—I’m not that bitch.

Suzanna’s story will be concluded in ‘Accessible Aggression’: Suzanna’s Darkest Hour in the upcoming book The Combat Space.

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BobMay 22, 2018 9:42 PM UTC

Come one hundred years, bright students will be writing doctoral papers on "They Live" (1988).

Thanks for the testimony.