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Assault with a Deadly Penis
By John Scrotum

Ahh! My kinda story: a leading actor assaults a woman with his penis! No, not by sliding it in between delicate mucus membranes, but using his cock the way God meant it to be used: as a flexible whip, or sjambok. Here is what the Cold Steel version can do, destroying any attacking watermelons, cans, or rubber snakes in sight:

Fuck, I almost forgot about the news story which kick started this rave:

“Actor Jamie Foxx spoke to TMZ on Wednesday and strongly denied claims that he attacked a woman with his penis in 2002.

In the interview, Foxx asserted that the charge was “absurd” and vowed to challenge the woman’s allegation in court.

Last week, the woman, whose name has not been made public, accused Foxx of the assault said the alleged incident occurred at a Las Vegas party hosted by Foxx in 2002. The woman claims that Django Unchained star hit her in the face with his penis after she denied him oral sex.

After the alleged incident, the woman claims one of Foxx’s friends told her to leave, at which point she went back to her apartment in Los Angeles where she was treated for a panic attack, according to TMZ.”

So many questions: how was the old Fox able to whip her face with his cock, unless she was already about to do oral prayers on her knees, praying to the spirits of “holy” “wood” (awesome pun here)? Or, was his cock so long that he carried it around in a wheelbarrow, and it just sprang to life, like some giant world serpent?

Or, could it be, that the said penis was somewhat “challenged,” and any such whipping action was completely out of the question? If this line of defense is taken, will the plaintiff/prosecution demand that the jury inspect the said weapon of assault, to conduct measurements? Will the jury be supplied with optical enhancement equipment? I do not know; this is all pure speculation, and any hypothesis could prove to be correct, or none at all.

Talk about “Django Unchained.”

Improving race relations by the day:

Turd America

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