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Fairytale Ending
By Tony Cox


This is my favorite Tony Cox piece yet.

I laid there in post-coital ambivalence, staring at the shapes emerging from the patterns in my cheap popcorn ceiling.....oh look there’s Mr.Magoo....Al Goldstein....a model T....she just had to ruin my moment of peace by speaking.

“You don’t really like me do you?”

Honesty has always been one of my biggest faults. “I don’t really LIKE anyone. I dislike you less than others,” I calmly tell her, ignorantly expecting her to think this was an acceptable answer.

“What do you want from me?” she inquired.

“Why does anybody have to WANT anything from someone else?”, I again answer.

“Why am I even here?”, she keeps up with the line of questioning.

“Well, you don’t HAVE to stay,” I inform her.

And out the door she went.

I rolled over and slept.

The next day, my neighbor catches me out in the driveway, “Yo man, that bitch left in a hurry last night. She looked mad! Hahaha. She left your front door wide open. I came in and you were asleep, yo’ dog started growling at me like ‘nigga get the fuck out my house’, I turned off the lights and locked the door on my way out.”

It’s nice having at least one good neighbor.

“Aw shit, thanks man. I owe ya one.”

“That’s a good dog you got there.”

It seems like the older I get, the fewer hoops I’m willing to jump through. You know, when I was younger, I used to feel sad and alone quite a lot. All those hard times you go through when you’re young really do make you stronger in the end.

The thing you have to always remember about women is that they want to destroy you. Or, they want to change you. Or, they want to domesticate you. If your goal is to start a family and insure your bloodline lives on, then you ARE going to have to make a few compromises. But don’t ever allow a woman to confuse you on the subject of marriage.

MARRIAGE IS FOR RAISING BABIES. Period.

If you already have enough heirs, or perhaps are cursed with some deformity of the sexual organs and cannot make sons, then do not let a woman bewitch you into taking those satanic vows of marriage. Remember, marriage just invites the devil into your home.

Get her pregnant before you marry her.

Seeing couples at the grocery store, shopping together, talking about the price of paper towels, it makes me throw up in my mouth a little. Hearing phrases like “share your life with someone” or “grow old together” make me short of breath and claustrophobic.

I remember being despondent over a woman one time, I had the blues like never before. I asked a wise friend if he had ever cried over a woman. He laughed, and told me, “No, but I thought I was at the time.”

I knew what he was saying. He went on to tell me the mystical secret that had been passed down to him by his womanizing father, and his father before that. “You give ‘em a good dicking down. And then you ignore them. It fucks with their self-esteem.”

It was as if the heavens had opened up and revealed the mysteries of the fairer sex.....

I’ve had this recurring dream of how my life would end, for quite awhile now.

A small room in a downtown Seattle flophouse motel down along the waterfront, bare lightbulb on the ceiling, piss stained mattress in the corner, beer and liquor bottles strewn about, an old guitar, and my bloated corpse right there in the middle, clutching my last teamster retirement check, an eternal smile on my face.

That’s my idea of a fairytale ending.

Let the World Fend for Itself

Big Ron's Baltimore: A Working Man's View of Urban Blight

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1983487988/ref=sr_1_2/146-5426057-9834066?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1514930203&sr=1-2

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B078S2CVBP/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1514974087&sr=1-1&keywords=Let+the+world+fend+for+itself%2C+kindle

Add Comment
BobJune 27, 2018 3:15 AM UTC

The eternal woman-to-man question: "What are you thinking about right now?" reminds me of a classic Gary Larson.

https://michaelscomments.wordpress.com/2008/01/16/dog-bark-translator/
BobJune 26, 2018 10:45 PM UTC

Timeless wisdom, thanks Tony. I had a work colleague who stupidly had a vasectomy to please his wife. (Said shrew made his life a misery, ha ha. Never, ever, hand over the nuts!)

@ Sam: The only thing I dislike about that Heretical piece was the implied concession to pedophilia, which I don't think can be confused with #Me-too-ism.
Sam J.June 26, 2018 1:18 PM UTC

James you might enjoy this guys ideas on Women. He's got a lot of great articles. Of course for printing them the British government has thrown him in jail several times.

http://www.heretical.com/sgs-2013/weapons.html