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Mister Mohamed’s Bucket
Civic-Minded Homelessness in Action

We were adventuring out to lunch the other day, the entire staff, men on the perimeter, women in the middle, you know like a coed rugby team driving for that last point. At least that’s what the men told me. I’ve never seen a rugby article in Cosmo.

There was Mister Mohamed, waving and saying, “God bress!”

He’d been there first thing [in the morning] to hold the door for the female associates, nice as could be, “Good mornin’, ladies.”

He won’t even accept money from women and he doesn’t beg the man. But the men appreciate him and show some charity.

So, we’re headed to lunch and there are these two junkies firing dope on the sidewalk in front of us. These people were so messed up you couldn’t even tell what race they used to be. They had turned into pure zombie junkies, covered in sores and the shade of whatever they rolled in in the gutter. And there comes Mister Mohamed with his bucket filled with cold water. He dumps it on these freaks and says, “Ya’ll scat now! Dese folks don’ wanna see dat shid!”

The fiends scatter and Mister Mohamed gets a round of applause and we go on our way.

Mind you, this is on Baltimore Street, one block from the main police station, cops all over the place.

On our way back we see Mister Mohamed, his back to the wall, fending off at least ten junkies. They’re swarming him, threatening to beat him up, threatening to get him locked up. And by now, even though he’s like seventy years old, everybody on Baltimore Street knows that if Mister Mohamed hits you, you’re getting knocked the fuck out [the Thomas Hearnes of homeless men] and nobody wants to see him go back to jail—nobody except the junkies that is.

So all the office people, executives, lawyers, salesmen, secretaries, everybody in a suit or suit dress is soon standing there around Mister Mohamed documenting the junky attack on their smart phones, turning the tables on the zombie junkies. We got enough footage so the police wouldn’t dare mess with him on behalf of the junkies.

It was an uplifting experience.

Mister Mohamed’s still on patrol.


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