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Ali versus 21st Century Boxers
David Tua, John Ruiz, Ike Ibeuchi, Chris Bird, Shannon Briggs, Deontay Wilder and Anthony Joshua

From last to first:

Anthony Joshua is the type of standard—linebacker built—heavyweight designed to topple giants but who do not do well against master boxers with speed. Ali would torment, making fun of his last name, casing his namesake of murdering Moses and pointing out that Anthony was an ancient slave name passed down in humiliation to him through the Roman oppressors of his Jewish ancestors. Postmodern fighters like Joshua would not whether Ali’s insulting mind dance well. Ali by unanimous decision.

Deontay Wilder is made to order for Ali, who would KO him with counter punches while going backwards, finally claiming to be better than Ray Robinson by doing that trick twice.

Shannon Briggs would make an entertaining and durable opponent, struggling on through the taunts of “Shannon Bigs, You was an ugly bitch en shouldn’t have got no sex change but I bet you could use some wigs with that nasty shit on your nappy head.” Soldiering on as a lumbering punching bag, Briggs would make Chuck Wepner proud.

Chris Byrd, the short Ali imitator without a big punch, would simply have to endure the humiliation of the “float like a butterfly sting like a bee” metaphors directed at whatever avian species Ali thought he resembled as he jabbed the piss out of the shorter man. Unanimous decision for Ali.

Ike Ibeuchi, who did not become the undisputed king of heavyweights of is era because he raped an airline stewardess in public or thereabouts, would be the nemesis of Ali, a giant Frazier-Norton. Foreman hybrid who did not permit sick fighters to frustrate him. Ike would knock Ali down numerous times throughout the fight, breaking his jaw, but would not be able to finish the clinch master, winning a unanimous decision.

John Ruiz would suffer the fate of many 1960s Ali victims, being schooled and not winning a single round in a crushing decision.

David Tua, possibly the hardest hitting heavyweight ever, would never land a glove on Ali, who would pitch the only no-hitter 12-rounder in heavyweight boxing history.

The Punishing Art

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