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Automagnum
A HipHop Tragedy from Banjo and Allshilles


Agamemnon, Conqueror of Troy, First among the Lords of Achaea, could not believe his misfortune, his own properly neglected wife seeking his neck with his own sword. So he blurted, “Zeus, do not forsake me but wing me away on my still downy wings of victory to some place where men know the good fortune of gods…”

Similac didn’t taste as good as Corinthian wine, the crash of steel trucks hauling mountains of trash was harsh and ugly next to the proper din of iron and bronze clashing across shielded ranks—but skittles were a darn sight tastier than olives and taking some less well-connected playa’s bitch was as simple as it ever was…

Aechylus’ Agamemnon in Da Hood.

Translation by Banjeauxillie

Adapted Fo Da POZ by Allshilles

Rendered in hexameter by “Urban Cryptozoologist” Jerry LaForte at gunpoint in his barber shop office

Bro…

Automagnum be cray cray

Gnow whut I’m a sayin’?

He be all “Imma eat mah daughta en sheeit.”

His ho,

Clitamenstril—

Bitch-trapped en iregula

Be like, “Oh no u dint!”

Don’t ya gnow.

Dat Allbuffinshit be like, “yo daddy

Made ma daddy eat his lille shorties—

So wyonchu try sum a dis!”

Dere he go,

Dat Allbuffinshit,

Bangin’ Clitamenstril—

Like dis!

En when dey snort up all Automagnum’s blow,

Greedy en on Wednesday—ole Buffinshit

All-cucked-en-shit, be rappin:

Fuck you husband while I skulk en peek.

Dere she go,

Goddamned Clitomenstril—

What a hoe!

Climbin’ on as cold as snow.

Don’t ya know,

Dat evil hoe,

Got Automagnum on da red carpet—

Meant for VIPs en gods—not some skank hoe!

Conqueror Bro,

You done fucked up—

Haulin’ dat Harlem hoe—Cashandrea…

Trippin’ ‘bout bein’ raped behind da Apollo.

Don’t ya gnow,

A dude caint rape no hoe—

En she cryin’ fo da coat hanga…

Weirdin ‘bout some god-baby.

No foolin’, bro,

Clitomenstril brought mo den a coat hanga—

Bitch a stone-cold gangbanga,

Razabladed Automagnum en his Cashandrea.

So the story go,

The old schools shout:

Bitch, you dun kilt mah nigga!

What’s a hoe doin’ wit her clit on da trigga?

Retorted dat mighty hoe:

Nigga, you aint gonna do nuttin’.

Yo let him walk afta he dun kilt ma baby—

So squash yo squawk.

Enter, face white from blow,

Allbuffinshit, steppin up to da OGs,

After da fact—

Straight up wacked.

Interject dat mighty hoe:

Y’all old en cucked—

Aint doin’ shit…

Less yo bitch-asses want fucked!

Now that Banjo and the crackpot crew have nearly saved Western Civilization, we break for the intermission and will return with the crowning of this classic tragedy in…

Enter Arrestes

Seems our boy got Probation Before Judgment and is out to settle accounts.

Happily Ever Under: The History of the Sexes According to Jack and Jill

https://www.amazon.com/Happily-Ever-Under-History-According/dp/1511888881/ref=sr_1_125?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1496341563&sr=1-125&refinements=p_27%3AJames+LaFond

Add Comment
Furd TurgusonJune 15, 2019 12:36 PM UTC

Reminds me of one of my favorite ppodcasts, Literature and History:

http://literatureandhistory.libsyn.com/rss

Each episode goes through a great literary work, describes some of the historical context of the time of the writing, and ends with a goofy song.

The episode regarding Agamemnon's homecoming was episode 27:

http://traffic.libsyn.com/literatureandhistory/episode_027_the_bloody_king.mp3?dest-id=351744
responds:June 15, 2019 6:20 PM UTC

Thanks!