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'A Great Mane of Hair'
Crackpot Mailbox: Davy Glochman Wants to Know about the Bipedal Lion's Liability

Thanks for your reply, James. I've got another question for you, one that might be good for the website.

What are your thoughts on long hair and combat?

I've got a great mane of hair, but any time I do anything active (shooting range, sparring, sport, etc) it always gets in my eyes, even when I've tied it up. I dare not even learn how to grapple until I've decided to cut it all off. Reading your blog, and thinking about the ugliness of real violence, has got me thinking that long hair might be a major weakness- something an attacker can grab and control my head with.

Do you think that it is a liability in combat?

And why did so many ancient and medieval warriors have long hair, if it is a liability? Did they not consider it to be a tactical blunder to have something an opponent can grip and control?


Davy Glochman

Long Hair in Urban America

I once had long hair in a world of violent enemies and that hair served me well. You see, every man's hand was against me. The rednecks cruising into Baltimore to buy cocaine from black dudes and the black dudes unable to crack into the drug trade and left hunting people on the street, were all gunning for me. The cops were after me too, for the crime of being a pale pedestrian.

You see, Davy, fighting packs of larger men left no grappling option and fit with my standoff boxing style, but most importantly jived with my commitment to stab the guts out of whatever pack of humanoids decided to erase me. Go ahead and grab my hair and you will soon be picking your entrails up off the ground.

I recognized the danger of getting grabbed by the hair, and was once so grabbed, but I grabbed is dick and left nut in response and he let go. I picked no fights and agreed only to traditional standup fights—defacto boxing. Long hair does not hurt in stick fighting and blade fighting. In fact, long thick hair and long thick beards can turn blades from the neck and have. One of Big Ron's friends survived a throat slash due to his thick beard. Long hair in boxing is a bad idea, as the pony tail comes out and every little punch to your head makes a big visual impression on the judges. I once lost a fight looking through strand of blood-sodden hair.

More importantly, my long hair was a friendly gesture to many blacks, who were the majority of my hunters, with numerous older black men coaching young bucks to stay their hand against me because, "The Man were woopin' 'deir' hippy asses back in da old-ass day too." Also, wearing long hair in 1990s white society was a declaration that I was a social dropout, did not give a fuck, and would shank your big ass. Many white men assumed I would stab them based on my long hair and physical confidence in their larger more numerous presence. This is the statement made by longhaired bikers, that they have committed, like ancient longhaired warriors, to deal with hand-to-hand combat with weapons.

In 2005, when I was contracted by two women as a bodyguard for their tryst with two rednecks, I cut my hair immediately, as I was committing to minimal-force close protection and just knew that those boys would grab my hair and throw me about.

Long Hair in Military Combat

Long hair in stone age societies represents a dare to take it as a trophy. Lewis Wetzel, most prolific Indian killer of the Old Northwest Territory [Pennsylvania, West Virginia, Ohio] and certified psychopath, wore his hair like a barbarically adorned shroud of doom, daring his enemies to come and get it.

Long hair in bronze age societies could be decorated and spiked in frightening ways, such as by the Gauls, who used their hair to form menacing headdresses. This would offer limited protection against down strokes with shitty blades and light blunt weapons. More importantly, long hair under bronze, boar tusk and iron helmets served in place of helmet liners as an arming cap or coif, to pad the skull and keep the helmet tightly in place. A simple iron helmet without a bunch of hair under it would be worthless against an axe.

The bowl cut, of thick hair cut above the ear, served as the military haircut of the High Middle Ages, as a mail coif and closer fitting gorgets and neck guards made the neck hair useless and suffocating.

When large civilized militaries, such as the Roman and modern European armies began to be packed into formations and camps so dense as to promote disease over long periods of time, then hair becomes a place for lice and fleas to nest and multiply, so its got to go.

As tribalism expands and warrior ways begin to take root again in the rancid flesh of our rotting body politic, it would be well to remember what kind of combatant you are dealing with based on his hair—the Iroquois warrior with bald head and neatly adorned scalp-lock for a trophy who intends to club or hack you to death or the Plains Indian, committed to killing you with arrow, lance and bullet and taunting you with his magnificent hair trophy, which also serves to protect him from the elements of his habitat.

So, Davy, if you wish to stick with fist, blade, stick and Gloch, keep that mane of hair. But if you plan on rumbling in some fool bar fight, shave it bro. Speaking of which, the lion's mane is a defensive adaptation against the love bites of his lioness and the claws of his rival. I like the idea of braiding it and lacing a lead sinker at the end of it and using it for a flail.

Strength and honor!

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