-Hamad “Too Quick fo da Thick” Jones

I have done many things in my life.

Running from the police is not one of them.

I have seriously considered doing almost everything that I have not actually done, including dating Prime Minister Thatcher.

I have never seriously considered running from the cops.

For this reason, I have begun accessing my database of those elite few, who have run from the cops. These fellows are hard to pin down for interviews, and–as their ‘flight from might’ propensities are not always appreciated by The Man—they are often housed in places that would make it inconvenient for me to conduct an interview. I’m sorry Hamad, but as compelling as your saga surely is, I am not going to submit to a body cavity search, just so I can get the whole story.

Just as with any athletic undertaking, you need to approach running from the cops as a science or an art. Let’s set the stage.

In your interest, I have done my best to interview the opposition, the guys with the cars, guns, radios, dogs, helicopters and jails. All I can say is that I tried son.

“Oh, don’t even make me get up outta dis cruiser en chase ya boy. You will be sorry—money back guarantee!”

-Officer Searles, 2002

“Really, I talk to them from the cruiser—yell down the alley while my younger partner earns his shield chasing their young asses. I use the car as much as possible. But that is only really practical when you are working with another officer. We don’t see the chopper much on the Southside. Probably the fact that it is a peninsula with limited egress is our greatest advantage down here. And with the urban homesteading—all the yuppies in their nice flats—there are not a lot of vacants for the trash to duck into—none really. I’d say we bag them more often than not.”

-Anonymous Officer, from 2001

Okay, you heard the man, run into a crappy neighborhood—your neighborhood, not some white bread real estate commercial.

Now that we have heard from the opposition, just as with any sport, you need a coach; an old hand; long retired from the game; who has seen it all. Let’s see what he has to say. This past July, as I headed through the Inner Harbor to train, I ran into a famous old school ‘hoodlum’, retired of course. He is about 60, ‘but used ta run from some Five ‘O back in da day now.’

“Okay, you mus not have any kine a weapon or whatnot—den yo ass jus’ shot. If not da Helicopter will be on yo ass fo sure.

“Do not talk to the police; that when the otha be circlin’. If dey stopped yo ass dey already called backup!

“Do not have no history of fightin’ no cop—cause when dey catch ya dat shit will be bad. In fact, if you even look dangerous—a big black man—do not run. I told you now. Get yo big ass on the pavement; ‘yessir, yesssir, again sir’, en so on. When a police is chasin’ ya he cannot be scared. You want him to enjoy that shit, get evigorated. If he falls en get hurt or somethin’, you bes’ not ged caught.

“Now, situations where it make sense ta run is genally limited to kids. Unless you shootin’ people, most adults just should not run. Kids get in much less trouble with the court for runnin’ ‘cause dey kine a expected ta run.

“So, lez sayin’ you with your friends when shit goes down, which usually is the way, the bes’ thing you can hope for is that you got a loudmouth dumbass friend that will tussle wit da police en give you the clean getaway. The cops much prefer beatin’ da shit outta some dumbass den chasin’ some fast hopper. A course, if yo cain’t run, jus’ sit yo ass on the curb.”

Slam is an infamous skinhead who has quite a history. Let him clue you in on some of the finer points brought into play by coach Nate’s line of reasoning. Think of Slam as the Defensive Coordinator.

“I’ve been in a few gangs. The first one was when I was in Korea. We army brat kids hada gang that fought the Korean kids. You definitely did not want to get caught by MPs or Korean cops. By the time I was living back here I had it down to a science. I have never been caught by the cops.

“Number one is to always wear two different shirts when you go out to commit a crime, and a hat. After everyone runs you toss the hat and one of the shirts.

“Number two is you do not run but walk. Your stupid friends are running, let them draw the heat. It is the reason why you have friends to begin with, so you can get away with your crime. And, let’s face it; most criminals are pretty stupid, particularly young ones.

“Last, but not least, is you walk toward the sirens. The cops will just blow by you. A school book is a nice touch if you can swing it. You just have to stay cool brother.”

Caley was a young drug dealer in Dundalk, in Southeastern Baltimore County. He did not do well running from the cops himself, and has referred me to his cousin Steevo, who had such a history of running from the cops that he will get his own article. Before I prepare to interrogate Steevo, let’s end with a cautionary note from his oft caught cousin.

“Don’t run from them fat Dundalk cops. That shit ain’t gonna happen. That’s a hazard to your health. When they catch you they’ll beat you with a phone book so it won’t leave marks. Fat cops fuck you up. Sayin’ a fat cop can’t run is like sayin’ a fat chick ain’t athletic. Take a turkey leg from her and she will chase you, and catch you, and shove it up your ass. You really need to talk to Steevo; he’s one of them crazy ones that don’t care about pissing off the cops. Me, I like my bacon with my eggs and that’s it. You won’t catch me runnin’.”