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Not The Liver-Eater
Working Out The Dietary Logistics of An Expedition In Search of the Liver-Eater
© 2015 James LaFond
SEP/1/15
In order to research my book, Kettle of Bones, about the mythic feud between Liver-Eater Johnson and the Crow Nation, Ishmael and Shayne have offered to take me out in the field in search of the old cannibal in September 2016. Then, two nights past, I received the message I have been dreading, from Shayne.
Shayne
We're a year out and I'm already thinking about trail food. We can survive on PBJ's or do real shit on the Barby. I like the Barby. If you like, I'll bring the baby Barby along. Meat and fish on a Barby, nothing like it. PBJ's are survival food. I'm sure we'll eat a few along the way.
James, you're from out of town. What do you like? I know I'm early thinking about this, but I'm a planner. Do you eat meat, fish, guts, eyeballs, nuts (rocky mountain oysters), real or smoked oysters, etc.? I eat everything and make it taste good. I'm just a fucked-up old Ranger. "Anything that creeps, crawls, flies or walks is a potential food source." (Rule # something).
I would like to enhance our trip by bringing you guys something especially good from out here in the Northwest. Smoked salmon that I make, or something. Ishmael knows how to kill and cook probably better than me...he uses wine. He's a snob. Maybe he'll snipe a few Blue Grouse and bring them along. Twist his arm. They're damn fine...when cooked in his wine.
Anyway, just some thoughts. A lot of people now are VEGANS OR VEGITERIANS, so just checking. BTW, Fart Pellets, Tortillas, and Tabasco Sauce are staples, fried with eggs, Brats, Hot-Dogs, Hamburger, Kipper Snacks etc. Bring Handi-Wipes...I like hot and spicy food.
James
[I lost my e-mail and am paraphrasing]
Guys, I’ve been dreading this question since the beginning. I can and do eat anything, with one exception. The only food that truly makes me sick is liver! Seriously, to smell it cooking makes me want to puke. I once left a diner when a plate of liver and onions was brought to the table across from me. This should help me identify with Del Gue and the Crow Foe—and might account for my initial impulse to write this account of their feud with the liver-muncher as a horror story.
Ishmael
Thanks for the laugh this morning, great way to start a day, I was worried you would be whopping my ass teaching me how to stick fight—all I have to do is spit liver chunks at ya. The wine for the grouse cost 15 bucks a gallon—ya I'm a snob. My dad was a camp cook at 12 yrs old, feeding 6 sheep herders. It was his first job. He taught me to cook. You will gain weight on this trip. I add wild chanterelle mushrooms in the sauce. If I can secure an elk, and a deer this winter, I will have you try our family recipes handed done for years.
Ishmael
Good thing you don't eat liver from the grocery stores, they are toxic. Feed lots bring cattle along too fast. They use hormones, antibiotics. Rednecks eat grass feed beef. They know what is in feedlot cattle. My sister-in-law is a mushroom broker for———if your shrooms in the market place last a long time without going brown, I'm talking about the white button variety, chances are they have been treated with formaldehyde. She hires pickers like me to harvest the wild varieties that you cannot farm. They dry some and ship the rest air freight to the snobby rich restaurants, who can afford the price of 50 dollar to 100 dollar a pound for their fungus. Maybe you know this already, but if not, now you do.
I would not be surprised if these fellows decide to get me drunk and dare me to try some raw liver.
‘Eager and Greedy to Go’
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