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The Harm City Force Pool
How Many Applicants Out of 45 Were Drug Free and Without Criminal Convictions?
Don’t cheat by scrolling to the bottom of the page.
Now guess, of 45 prospective Baltimore County supermarket employees, how many were drug free and without a criminal record?
This morning, after work, I stopped by another Baltimore County supermarket to speak with Bill about his operation. This market is in a sketchy area, but is not half as bad as the true ghetto. It is, however, not too far from the Walmart that lost $600K to theft in the guns and ammo department in 2014, so how good could the prospects be?
Let Bill take it away:
“You would not believe it, Jimmy. I’m looking to fill two openings. How hard can that be? I have forty-five applicants—gotta be able to find somebody decent, right? What do we have a twenty-percent unemployment rate or something, once you factor in the people who are out of work and ran their unemployment benefits dry?
“Okay, after I’m done winnowing out the people who have restricted schedules because they’re still serving time, or because of their drug treatment schedule, I’m about halfway through the pile.
“Then I have to toss the applications from people who did not tick off the ‘willing and able to pass a drug test’ box. That brings me down to maybe ten applications that wouldn’t get me laughed out of the office.
“Never mind the qualifications. As far as job skills, sense of urgency and reasonable employment record—nothing, not even worth giving them a try. You think the clerks I have now are lazy—good God!
“So I’m down to two promising applicants, both women, young, able to walk, reasonably articulate and seem to want to work. Now I have to check for criminal records.
“The one girl was discharged from the Army last year, and then immediately commits an armed robbery! Really? If I hire her I might as will hire some thug named Clyde so she’ll have help dragging the safe off the dock. A six-year military veteran and you start robbing people as soon as you get out? Has the world gone insane?
“So I pull up the other girl’s record. She’s twenty-five with five kids. So I guess it makes sense that she has five shoplifting convictions!
“Here I stand, tearing up cardboard—need a job?”
And the answer is—zero!
“Later dude—enjoy!” I said, as he shook his head and looked accusingly at the ceiling.
I didn’t even stay long enough to buy the drink I had stopped in for.
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Add Comment
MaureenSeptember 28, 2015 1:02 AM UTC

I guessed two. I guess if I ever REALLY needed a job, I could get one in YOUR hood!
responds:September 28, 2015 3:54 PM UTC

Maureen, if you need a job you can get yourself one in Harm City!
Jeremy BenthamSeptember 24, 2015 4:38 PM UTC

LMAO! This reminds me of the difficulties major metropolitan police forces are currently experiencing in finding suitable recruits.

The Milwaukee PD found that many of their young prospects could not complete the agility course because their pants kept falling down:

“Michelle Stein, a human resources representative for the City of Milwaukee, told me that she has noticed more young men showing up to take the ability test with saggin' pants. A few of these candidates were even sent home to get a belt or pants that fit.”

“Others learn the hard way, either by shuffling their way through the cones while trying to hold their pants up or by trying to scale a five-foot wall with their pants falling down.”

“It's tough enough scaling a wall and going through a window in the obstacle course with clothes that fit; I can't imagine doing it with pants two sizes too big.”

The Chicago PD found it necessary to institute a new dress code: “No more baseball or knit caps for Chicago police, tattoos have to be covered up.” Apparently the senior leadership of the force believes it would be a good thing if the public was able to tell the difference between the police and the gang-bangers. LOL!
ZachSeptember 24, 2015 3:43 PM UTC

Dang, I guessed 6.