Okay guys, I have been slacking on Your Trojan Whorse, so thought I could give you the best piece of advice I can about dating in the current neodyke times.

First let me tell you about Brad, the cook at the supermarket that I managed, whose boss was his wife! He had to listen to this bitch—and a bitch she was, with a walk like John Wayne and a mouth like Richard Pryor, a white girl at that—at home and at work, where she ran the kitchen.

One night two of my female clerks wanted me to decide on an argument they were having concerning the relationship of these two white trashians. I found this woman so distasteful that I could not recall her name in order to give her a deceptive alias.

The one clerk said that she had been driving the wife of the cook home when Brad's boss asked to be taken by the sex toy shop, where she bought a “ten-inch strap-on dildo” and carried it back to the car without even bothering to have it bagged. Apparently, Brad, who had the night off, had neglected to have dinner ready as he was getting high all day, and needed to be punished. A further inquiry by this nosey female clerk determined that this was not a device for him to wear in lieu of his own failed manhood, but a thing she wore to impose her ascendant dykehood upon him.

Brad “was a bitch, true, and ruined” as they say in the hood. I refused to give my opinion, considering my station, and asked that they no longer bring me such unsavory details concerning my staff’s debasement off the property and off the clock. I was not, however, successful in forgetting the story!

Well, Brad’s somewhat odd and slouching posture was now more easily understood. The point is, since this sick society of ours is dedicated to turning you into Brad, how can you best avoid the slippery slope that our media masters want us sliding down at an ever more lubricated velocity?

Now, of the ladies who have approached me over the last 35 years evincing a desire to perform oral sex, I have noticed a very unsettling habit among the ones who read women’s magazines. They all want to put a finger up your ass while they are blowing you!

Do not let this happen. It’s not just me, it’s a conspiracy!

Look at those Cosmo magazines on the newsstands and at the supermarket checkout lanes and you will consistently see a feature about “how to please, satisfy,” and even “enslave your man,” written for women who lack faith in their flute skills.

Don’t let it happen. They’ll all come off with something about how much they like it and therefore you should like it too, or that’s its good for your prostate gland, etc.

Do not believe them.

Do not end up like Brad swivel hipping it to the men’s room 7.5 times in an 8 hour shift!