What does a broke-ass, old-ass dude prepare and eat while illuminating the motherslutter of all conspiracy theories?
I bought no groceries this week, or last, as I am letting my 28-inch high fridge defrost this coming Monday. It is critical, as so much ice has built up in what used to be a little box, I cannot extract the bottle of Makers Mark I put there and Mescaline Franklin is coming to town on Tuesday...
1 fresh jalapeno, picked up from the floor of my roommate's kitchen while I was filling my tea pot and she was throwing produce at him while impugning his character and indicated she'd rather me eat it than slice it up for his heartless ass—way to take one for the team, Bro.
1 giant clove of purple elephant garlic, because I've got a lot of writing to do and if Mrs. Bedwrecker shows up I don't want her staying for long and she hates the smell of garlic...
4 not-so-fresh hotdogs, sent home with me on Memorial Day by my sister, yet still seemingly impervious to age...
1/2 cup of out of date cream cheese, forgotten about since June
Slice all of the solid ingredients in a pyrex dish.
Cut open the cream chees container with a box cutter, so extraction of the sticky substance is made easy and drop the white blob on the jalapeno slices,
Slide the dish into the microwave on top of the soon to be beer-ready fridge and nuke until you can smell the hotdogs.
Take it out—if you don't like the smell of the hotdogs—and sprinkle some adobo with smoked paprika on the dog slices.
Nuke again until you can smell the jalapenos.
No, don't eat the jalapeno stem, you lazy bitch—who put that in there anyhow?
Crush up a handful of whole wheat crackers over the still stable blob of cream cheese and stir it all up. Eat with the same spoon you stirred it with to cut down on dishwashing since you already dirtied your knife.
Now enjoy, which means shovel it in before it gets cold or I told you so.
Later—I really could use a shot of that Makers Mark to clear my throat...
Taboo You: Deluxe Man Cave Edition
