I suppose the greatest gift we have been given by our brothers of color is understated predation. Five months ago, I was riding this bike down Stemmers Run, past three black dudes, when one of them yelled, “Is that my bike?” I didn’t slow down, just said “Fuck you,” and kept riding. The funny thing was, his friends were laughing at him [points finger in imitation of yo boy pointing at other yo boy], but it wasn’t always so easy being Columbine Joe.

The summer of 1995, I was 16, had just gotten laid and was peddling home through The Village of Tall Trees, when it was still The Village of Tall Trees, not this upscale park. But I gotta tell you, I still get chills riding through here. God must have known I had been fornicating, because when I turned the corner to cut through the village, I was immediately surrounded by at least a dozen of the upstanding citizens of The Village of Tall Trees. There was every shape, shade, and size of chocolate imaginable, from a 5’2” guy with glasses to the obligatory 6.5’ 300lb offensive lineman, and one of them said, “Is that my bike?” I knew right then that I wasn’t getting through, and I didn’t want to go down alone, so I cracked the 5’2” glasses wearing guy between the eyes, shattered the glasses and dropped him. This was probably the only practical use of the skills learned in my 40-odd boxing matches other than protecting myself years later from the wrath of m y black girlfriend without drawing an assault charge. Unfortunately, I didn’t get much time to enjoy my handiwork. I don’t even think I saw him hit the ground. The lights went out.

When I woke up, minus my bike and my two dollars, I did have one thing to be thankful for. Even though they hit me in the back of the head with a pipe or a gun barrel, they did observe the common courtesy of dragging my limp body to the side of the road.

Is That My Bike? [Interrogative], First known use of the term was 1972, Baltimore County, at the corner of Loch Ness and Pleasant Plains. Purpose: a standard reparations recovery term used by urban people of color. The last known use of the term by a Caucasian was 1972, one more piece of evidence that the blacks saved English.

The Humorously Examined Life of Columbine Joe