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Madonna’s Truly Amazing Blow Job
By Ivarr T. Boner with Commentary by Eirik Bloodaxe [for Ivarr is His Progeny] and James


The U. S. Secret Service is reportedly investigating aging, ‘80s rock icon, Madonna, for telling demonstrators at the “We-Need-To-Lose-Weight-To-Get-Laid” march on Washington DC, that she has often thought of “blowing up the White House.”

Now, on this “blowing” point, she has been surely misunderstood. Remember when she said at a campaign speech for the Lesbian Queen, that she would give a blow job to anyone who voted for said Queen – presumably man, woman, and the other 32 varieties? See:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com.au/entry/madonna-opens-amy-schumers-stand-up-show-by-offering-to-blow-hillary-voters_us_5807aa3de4b0dd54ce36f354;

Madonna (hereafter affectionately referred to as “Mad.” for short), advertised herself as being good at blow jobs, really good. I guess experience counts. She would maintain strict eye contact at all times, which is important. And she would swallow the ice cream at the end of the event, making the money shot. It’s all on the net. But sadly, when the crowds came to collect their sloppy prize, Mad was nowhere to be found:

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/election/madonna-withdraws-oral-sex-promise-hillary-voters-article-1.2864602.

This is no joke, and deadly serious, so listen closely. She has no doubt been saving herself for bigger and better things. Her “blowing” reference to the White House was not to using explosives to physically blow up the building – which would be masculine violence – but rather, she was making subtler feminist deconstructive metaphors, for exposing the bulging phallic structure of the building itself, as being rigid in patriarchal oppression and white privilege.

Her aim must therefore be nothing short but to give the building itself a blow job, cutting it down to size, sexually deconstructing it in the best postmodern fashion!

If anyone could do this to a building built by ancient Egyptian slaves, Mad could do it! It will be one giant step for feminism, boldly going where no feminist has gone before.

Go, girl, go! Blow, girl, blow!

Ivarr, I wonder if Trump called her up and said, "Hey. you know I voted for you and can prove it?" In regards to your musings below, I have a close friend who once worked as a male escort, who claimed that [at age 30, and just an inch or two over the average mark] his clientele was heavily weighted by ladies [some, but not all, weighty themselves] with a large appetite in their 40s, who had husbands in their 50s who could no longer pump the necessary blood and found themselves "hard-up" for some hard-up. When push came to shove—all innuendos applicable—these ladies found, in their quest for equestrian enjoyment that there preference was prioritized according to the following triage metric: #1 erection quality [hardness, partially reflecting their perceived attractiveness to the man], #2 girth [purely functional] and #3, length [preferably just enough to hit the spine in missionary, otherwise predominantly psychological, enhancing and exciting their submissive status/experience] This leads me to believe that Roberto may be facing a crisis of coronary proportions.

Meditations on the Incredible Half Meter Salami

By Ivarr T. Boner

I once thought that I was the best hung guy on my street, but Mexico’s Roberto Esquivel Cabrera, beats us all:

“Man with Biggest Penis in World Registered Disabled…” at http://www.express.co.uk/news/world/756719/World-s-biggest-penis-half-metre-Roberto-Cabrera-disabled-pillow.

Bob’s donk is 18.9 inches on the slack. James has already covered the angle that Bob is registered as disabled and that the member needs its own pillow to sleep on otherwise it gets insomnia, and a bad back. But this story is big enough for another take.

Bob is 54 years-old, so it is unclear how he managed to survive this long without being previously classified as disabled, or the world hearing about him. Was there only a recent growth spurt? Did he feed it on special nutrients, water and adequate sunlight so it would grow?

The article says that 13 inches of the sausage is “actually just skin” and that he “has a very large foreskin.” Ok – so is the guy authentic or not, 18.9 inches or 5.9 inches, what is it? One doctor quoted says that since he was a teenager he has been stretching his penis using weights, which just shows that if you want to get anywhere in life, you need to start young. Tribesmen in Africa also get in on this scene, or they did, and as lads tie stones to the end of their mboo:

https://storify.com/michaelhicks/history-and-origins-of-penile-stretching.

They were very careful running after prey through thorn bushes.

Roberto wants to come back to America to become a porn star (he was deported for exposing himself to two under aged girls), but sadly recognizes that his meat has too much girth for women, perhaps even those biggies in the porno industry: “I can never penetrate anyone because it is too thick.”

Another anticipated problem too, is organ damage from over-penetration causing heart attacks, or chocking.

One may also speculate about whether the monster organ can actually get hard. What effect would it have on the brain with all of those thousands of gallons of blood suddenly rushing to inflate the Godzilla cock? Surely one would faint, or at worse, suffer brain damage, maybe permanent.

Most importantly of all, I want to hear what Madonna has to say about all of this. Perhaps when there is another march on Washington DC, Bob could be specially flown into speak and perform.

Footnote by Eirik Bloodaxe

Good one son. Don’t forget to add something about how vulnerable this guy would be in a fight with that huge sausage just limply dangling down his leg. One good wack with a lump of wood and that thing would crash like a zeppelin or swell like a blood pudding. I am not sure what is the appropriate metaphor here. I wouldn’t want to think what a really mean gay MMA would do to it. Or even a crazed feminist MMA. What about dog attacks; what chance would he have, as the dog ran off with the meat, as dogs classically did with sausages from the local butchers.

All things, as Aristotle recognized, including pricks and vaginas, have an optimal size: K. Sale Human Scale (2007); E. F. Schumacher, Small is Beautiful, (1973).

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