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Supervolcano Set to Blow 19.4 Million Cocks
Italy's Faithful Madonna and Volcanology By William Rapier

It pays, as Donny Trump says, to think big, and to turn misfortunes to your advantage. Take aspiring Italian actress Paola Saulino, 27 gob-smacking years old. She promised to suck the cocks (no clits, presumably), of all the men (not women) who voted against constitutional reforms, dreamt up by former Italian Prime Minister Matteo Renzi:

Paola is keeping to her word of mouth, unlike cock-breaker Madonna who retreated from her munching promise to Hillary voters. The girl has set out on a mission to gobble the meats of 19.4 million men who voted “No.” She has only fellated the first 400 and already is facing occupational health issues, with an aching jaw, and sometimes she gets injuries from guys who are too eager to shoot their load. Some guys have to fire into a rubber, but the ones she really likes, well, they can blow as they go, presumably down her throat, on her face, and maybe in her big bulging brown eyes. Whatever.

This got me thinking about a way for James to make some really hot cash. Remember our Mexican child-molesting friend, with the python in his pants? How about getting these two together as a perfect couple and filming the happy event? It could be marketed as the next big thing on from Linda Lovelace’s Deep Throat: Deep Stomach. If the huge Hispanic had a small camera attached to his instrument, it may be possible to get funding via a medical research grant, for stomach explorations and the like. Stranger gigs go on in academia daily right in your sweet city.

But the real thing Italians need to worry about blowing its top is a new Mount Vesuvius, which last erupted 1,500 years ago destroying the Roman city of Pompeii. Today the supervolcano is called “Campi Flegrei,” and lurks under Naples in Italy:

Geophysicist believe that the supervolcano is showing signs of reawakening, and like a mythical dragon, will be much worse than Vesuvius. Some believe that it is ready to blow, and if it does, it will kill millions, blocking out the sun (so much for global warming) for decades and bringing air travel to a grinding halt; the 2010 eruption of the relatively mild Eyjafjallajokul volcano in Iceland led to air travel in Europe ceasing until the smoke and ash levels were “safe” for jets to sniff. Now, contemplate the skies over the entire planet no longer being safe for jet travel. Global economic collapse and famine, and all the good things this does for social harmony will follow.

However, there is still hope. Paola, we have not forgotten you. If you abandoned your ideal of sucking 19.4 million cocks and focused your membranes on pleasuring Campi Flegrei, you may be able to save humanity. Campi Flegrei sounds a bit gay, but don’t worry, there are plenty of Italian hairdressers who will make you look like a beautiful boy, so the gods of the mountain are pleased. And if that fails because of jaw ache, the Italians might see fit to throw you into the volcano as a sacrifice of sorts.

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