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The Montebello Hipsters
Saint Patrick’s Day in Northeast Baltimore


Lake Montebello is a manmade lake that is Loch Rave Reservoir via tunnels. At one time they had further tunnels that went over to Lake Clifton at the valve house, that they of course filled in for the school. I heard they had an elephant chained over there around the turn of the century, for a display, people had something going on about elephants at that time. There is a little set of houses by the lake. They were built before cars. There is no parking for them. It used to be the street car was right up against it. When I got the call there I had to pull up on the curb onto the grass and park so I could run the food up to the house.

There was a house full of stereotypical hipsters. It took a considerable amount of talking to figure out who ordered the food. Somebody was ordering Chinese, but that wasn’t me, I was the pizza man. Finally, the people that ordered the food came and they were being smart asses, real assholes, drunk hipsters,

They were drunk as hell. The one guy was being rude. I asked them if they ordered it.

I say, “Here’s your food,” and he’s sucking his teeth like I’m bothering him. This fucker orders food and here I am delivering food and somehow I’m bothering him. The music is so loud, he is yelling and spit is flying out of his mouth. I asked them to step outside so I could hear them and they wanted to stay inside, there are people dancing and chicks running around screaming—spit flying out.

I say, “Here is your food,” and they hand me some money and say, “Keep the change,” and I walk back out to the car. It’s like a 40 dollar order and instead of giving me two 20s and a 10 they gave me two 20s and a 100, and I said, “See you suckers, and sped off like it was the Dukes of Hazzard. The way I am I would have gone back if they were respectful people. They probably woke up and didn’t know what happened to that money anyway.

Its been a lot of parties I’d delivered to. Most of them have been pretty cool, bring me in and give me a shot of beer. But these people, I’d rather go down the hill and deal with the dindus. I think this is where I decided that I liked dindus better than white liberals. It was a toss-up until that point.

That reminds me of a situation that I had about two days ago, right at the 7-11 at Putty Hill and Old Harford. I went in there to get something and there’s a big beast of a fuckin’ woman, a hipster woman. Probably about 5’ 11’ a good 270, she’s got an arm full of doughnuts and energy drinks and flops them down on the counter and she says, “Wait a minute, he’s got something too,” and she says, “Babe, get your stuff over here,” and she’s got this little hipster guy, skinny little guy with a beard and a tight flannel shirt with his iced coffee and doughnuts and the Hindu woman is ringing it up and the big hipster beast woman says, “You forget your straw, dummy,” and he says , “Sorry, baby,” and he runs over and gets his straw.

I’m thinking this is incredible and disgusting. I guarantee she outweighs him by a good 120 pounds.

She had a shirt like him—emo—had a tight flannel rig on—Christ, she was a fuckin’ beast.

She told him to get go get that straw and he ran and got it. There was a part of me that wished he’d a stuck it on her head, but that wasn’t happening! I thought about asking the Hindu woman if she’d ever seen that in her culture, but I was pressed for time.

Happily Ever Under: The History of the Sexes According to Jack and Jill

https://www.amazon.com/Happily-Ever-Under-History-According/dp/1511888881/ref=sr_1_125?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1496341563&sr=1-125&refinements=p_27%3AJames+LaFond

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