My youngest three children live with their mother in the inner city area, in an up-market part, average house price, over AUS $ 1 million. In neighborhoods like this, one would expect a bit of peace and quiet.

However, yesterday, all of the kids were home on school holidays. My youngest daughter heard it first; a psycho was marching down the street, smashing cars with a claw hammer. These are not just any sort of cars, but pricey ones, owned by lawyers and financial workers, who can walk to the city from their luxury town houses, leaving their Mercs and BMWs out the front as staus systems.

Young daughter quickly told sons 2 and 3 what was happening. They armed themselves with thick clubs of olive. I gave them this, so in a worst-case scenario, they could immediately burn the weapon after use. What club? My daughter then locked herself in her room and armed herself with Ka-Bar I had bought for her, and a Cold Steel Latin machete, 2 foot blade.

The arming, they said, took less than a minute. The boys were ready for the nutcase as he at last reached the spot where their mother had parked the car I had bought her, at the side of the townhouse. Then they confronted him. His mad eyes and flowing blood, along with the hammer scared them, so they retreated back into the house, through the back gate. The lunatic then began pounding on the back gate with the hammer. But son number 2 had unwound a hose with a hyper-intense pressure nozzle, turned on the water, got on a box, and leaning over the gate, let the mad cuոt have it in the face. Said mad cuոt was totally unprepared for a water attack, and took in a huge mouthful of water, immediately beginning to cough his lungs out, literally. Son number 2 kept up the firepower. Psycho retreated down the path.

Unfortunately, for him, he could not see the pile of hard rubbish that had been put out for collection. Over he goes, his face smashing into something metal and sharp. Blood now pisses out of his face, falling with the water onto the footpath. He sweeps himself up, and staggers down the street, only to face two cop patrols, that have decide to turn up from my daughter’s phone call. He turns to retreat, but a cop zaps him with the taser, which produced a stunning effect with all the water; he, apparently, seemed to steam and cook, doing his little electro-convulsive dance. Wow Dad, you should have seen it!

The cops shovelled his remains into the collection ute, and took him to the city lock up, where, being Friday, he would be in good care until some lawyer looked in on him on Monday, if he was still alive.

When I heard this story, I rushed over to congratulate all the kids, and give them a feast of threats that their mother does not give them, burgers, ice cream etc. Apparently, she disapproved of the kids getting involved and the possible danger they could have been in. Both sons stood their ground and said that we could not afford to have the car wrecked. She said: what if this was America and he had a gun? The youngest son said: then I would have had a gun too, and would have gunned him down first.

It pays to bring up children right. See, not everybody who is non-Christian has family problems!

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