This is a unilateral knucklehead award with a committee of one presiding.
Classes
Bigg Fooger = 265 pounds plus [1]
Goons = 200 pounds plus [3]
Meat Shields = 170 to 199 [8]
Twerps = under 170 [2]
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Roster
Fighters by State
Home Team
Appalachia: it is Mega State
Sean Glass: Goon
Andrew “King of Dogs” Edwards: Meatshield
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Maryland: People’s Republic of
Cory: Bigg Fooger
Brick Mouse: Twerp
Mister Tony: Meatshield
Black Metal: Meatshield
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Pennsylvania: Plantation of
InTheseGoingsDown AKA Mescaline Franklin: Meatshield
Kieth: Meatshield
Dennis! Goon
Man of Mystery: Meatshield
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New Jersey: Shithole of
Backfist Mick: Meatshield
Markus Mickus: Goon
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Missouri: Meth State of
Paul Bingham: Meatshield
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Rucksack Republic
James LaFond: Twerp
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Awards
-1. General Custer’s Ghost
For the man who went in over his head the most, pro-rated for lack of experience
Black Metal, who was smaller than everyone he fought, except for Little Evil runner up, James, who this guy fought in a machete duel, after getting dissected with the training knife.
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-2. Little Evil
For the small fighter who most bedeviled the meatshields, goons and bigg foogers
The Brick Mouse AKA Bad Smitten who dropped a goon in boxing and also beat the only other twerp there in a vicious stick fight.
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-3. Conan
For most upbeat, muscled-up, enthusiastic, barbarian
Hands down, Dennis for gorilla wrestling and gorilla ghost boxing, applying power-lifting to combat with a wry grin
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-4. Marcus Aurelius’ Bodyguard
For most stoic participant:
Paul “Yes Sir” Bingham
Runner up: Mister Tony
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-5. Daniel Boone
For the man who left behind the woman most in need [who by associate wins the Rebecca Boone Award] to go do man stuff
Hands down, Andrew Edwards, who was nominated by Dennis
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-6. King of Pain
For the man with the most pain tolerance
Cory, who ate sick kicks from Sean and took cruel stick strokes from James without a wince.
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-7. Gentleman
For the fighter you would most want as a brother-in-law or son-in-law or chaplain if you were going to war
Kieth, who went to church as his last Man Weekend act—say what, paleface?
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-8. Savage
For the most all-around tenacity, including distance traveled and conditions beyond the ring endured
Markus Mickus, who drove while drinking from Jersey to Tennessee, slept on three inch gravel and mixed it up the most in grappling, which was the hardest event, and competed in more types of fighting than any other novice.
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-9. Stud
For the man who fought in every event, kicked the most ass and would be most likely used as breeding stock for aliens seeking to domesticate humans as war slaves
Hands down, Sean, victor in the first sjambok duel, who put in more rounds than any fighter.
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-10. Old Bull
Fighter over 50 who did the most to crush the hopes and dreams of the young bucks
James by default, being the only fighter over 50. Let’s change that. These young bucks need to be humbled!
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-11. Hard to Kill
For the fighters that were most difficult to cleanly dispatch with edged weapons
-Knife: Mescaline Franklin
-Steel: Cory
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Match Awards for Best Fight in Category
-12. Technical
Backfist Mick vs Sean in Boxing
Runner-Up
Marcus Mickus vs Sean in Grappling
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-13. Sickest Fight In Category
Exotic Weapons
Sean vs James with Sjambock
Stick
Brick Mouse vs James
Knife
Brick Mouse vs Mescaline Franklin
Wrestling
Dennis vs Cory
Boxing/Kick Boxing
Sean vs Cory
That is all this old knucklehead can think of in the way of awards. Thanks to Sean for cooking and Mister Saffrono who could not make it and The Man of Mystery for their generous patronage of the Knucklehead Arts.
