Hello James

Here’s the Easter commemorative satire:

Ron West

"The history of the great events of this world are scarcely more than a history of crime"

-Voltaire

In the matter of Ostensible Roman Soldier versus Member of the Crowd, with 3rd party intervenors, Ostensible Jesus and Ostensible Judas.

The Court to the jury: "All of the parties have stipulated and agree the film of the incident is accepted into evidence; the only controversies entertained before this court are matters of interpretation.

"The defendant, that is Member of the Crowd, holds because he is an illiterate Amazon tribesman, recently proselytized & converted by CIA under cover of Protestant missionaries, he cannot be held liable for retroactively correcting the course of history; with pre-empting necessity of Ostensible Jesus having to follow the line 'forgive them, for they know not what they do.'

"The plaintiff, that is Ostensible Roman Soldier, argues this matter constitutes vigilante justice, no matter how sincere or a naïf in his belief defendant was saving Ostensible Jesus' life, and no matter any sincere noble intent, a theologically wrong, Protestant inspired assault, even when stemming from deep misapprehension of reality, cannot be excused against a Roman Catholic actor.

"Over all parties objections, Ostensible Judas cause is joined by this court to the cause of Ostensible Jesus, both must be aligned with the plaintiff, that is if 'collateral' 3rd party damage inflicted on job security is found, were Ostensible Jesus to be rescued, rather than suffer ostensible mortal wound inflicted by Ostensible Roman Soldier. Ostensible Judas' claim of irreparable harm to his reputation, if his betrayal of Ostensible Jesus were for naught, cannot be separated from Ostensible Jesus claim of future job security harm, as a compensated actor.

"We have heard considerable conflicting expert testimony on whether Ostensible Jesus' position of harm to future taxable wages, when joined to the cause of Ostensible Judas, is consistent with the historical role.

Consequently, this court instructs if you find for Ostensible Jesus, in all future productions, Ostensible Judas having been paid 30 pieces of silver cannot be portrayed as a bribe related to betrayal; but must be declared actor's union wage, no different to taxable wages paid to the actors Ostensible Jesus and Ostensible Roman Soldier.

"A special note of instruction is, despite Ostensible Jesus' words cannot ever be questioned, this does not automatically confer a decision in his favor and may not prejudice any award; it is your duty to fairly resolve on all parties part. This may or may not, wholly or in part, be to Ostensible Jesus' favor. Anything Ostensible Jesus has ever said must be objectively contextualized to the circumstance, to be considered in your decision.

"This court orders members of the jury sequestered. You will now begin deliberations"

Jury note to the judge: "Jurors four & seven insist to know, Ostensible Roman Soldier, having been prevented from delivering mortal wound, can 'malicious intent' be considered?"

Judge's note to jury: "As a soldier of empire, the question of law is whether Ostensible Roman Soldier is entitled to Sovereign Immunity, also known as state impunity. Not in this case, because the state is not a party to this suit. Yes, you may consider malicious intent." [the CIA cum missionaries in the gallery put on a sour look]

Jury note to the judge: "Juror two insists to know, were Amazon Indian proselytized with the Protestant King James version? If so, would use of 'hath, doth, thou and thee', and the like, be mitigating factor or favor inability to grasp reality?" [the judge grimaces]

Judge's note to the jury: "It is written 'I am the same yesterday, today and forever.' Thou must not make haste to excuse the Indian's ignorance in thy understanding."

Ostensible Jesus: "Uh, that was a bit harsh. Are you a closet Calvinist?" [judge turns beet red]

Judge to Ostensible Jesus: "Forgive me, I'll be deferring to you in the hereafter."

Jury note to the judge: Juror five insists to know, if Ostensible Jesus associated with tax-gatherers, how are they substantively different from the money-lenders?"

Judge to Ostensible Jesus: "How do I answer that?"

Ostensible Jesus: [looking embarrassed] "Well, I don't know. Ostensible Magdalene always took care of the tax-gathers for me, but the money-lenders were gay, and wouldn't resolve with her offering of 'in kind' contribution. That REALLY made me angry." [the judge senses a migraine onset]

Judge's note to jury: "There is no distinction, the planets didn't align for Ostensible Jesus on the one occasion, that's all."

Jury note to judge: "Juror twelve insists to know whether 30 pieces of silver should be adjusted for inflation, 32AD to present, and if so, what would that amount be today at the COMEX?" [with the side of his head pounding, the judge passes a note to his clerk instructing an Oxycontin tablet and glass of water brought to the bench]

Judge's note to the jury: "Juror twelve is replaced by alternate juror one, who shall hereafter be identified as juror thirteen."

Jury's note to judge: "Juror thirteen insists to know [at these words, the judge sees floating sparks of advancing migraine] can St Augustine's 'just war' theory be squared with Ostensible Jesus turning the other cheek? Or is the 'just' in 'just war' an adverb rather than the widely assumed adjective?" [the judge looks at Ostensible Jesus with a helpless expression]

Ostensible Jesus: "Well, I'm ostensibly Jewish, I've always been ostensibly Jewish and I have no idea what the Christians went on to write in their Meforshim or whatever it is they call it."

Judge to Ostensible Jesus: "I have a migraine and can't think. With your ostensible infallibility, will you hazard a guess?"

Ostensible Jesus: "Well, it should be easy, if Augustine is a Roman, it can only be the adverb."

Judge's note to the jury: "It's 'just' the adverb."

Jury note to the judge: "Juror three insists to know, when Ostensible Jesus said "Give to Sid Caesar what is Sid Caesar's", would that be considered taxable income?"

Judge to Ostensible Jesus: "You said that?"

Ostensible Jesus: "It was a joke. Anyway, I said it backstage, but there was an open mic." [Judge puts his face in his hands]

Judge to Ostensible Jesus: "Well, you said it. Now, whose image was on the coin?"

Ostensible Jesus: "It wasn't a real coin, it was a wooden nickel. Mainly, it had to do with a conversation around political correctness in Hollywood and #Me Too jokes. Look, we're ostensibly Jews and Sid, bless his memory, would have fallen over laughing."

Judge's note to the jury: "Anything 'given' to Sid Caesar, can be considered solely an undeclared, carnal tax."

Jury foreman's (Juror eight) note to Judge: "We have a hung jury: This foreman and jurors six, nine, ten & eleven insist on reducing Ostensible Judas award by half, because he changed his story of remorse, the other seven jurors want to deny him compensation altogether; on account of in one version he hangs himself, in the other version he disembowels himself."

Judge to Ostensible Judas: "You changed your story?"

Ostensible Judas: "It wasn't me, it was the script writers, mid-production. They thought hanging wasn't bloody enough."

[at this point, the court briefly recessed, when the Judge's migraine required court medics administering the 'nuclear option' of a Demerol injection, direct to the brain]

In reconvened session, the judge: [with a great sense of relief and feeling high, very, very high] "Order! Bailiff! Clear the gallery, triple security and call in the jury!

The Judge: "Per Rule 56 (f)(3) Federal Rules of Procedure, this court may exercise summary judgment of its own accord after identifying for the parties material facts that are beyond dispute.

"Per the aforementioned rule, and having read all the jury's notes of inquiry, this court enters into the record the indisputable fact all of the jurors in this case are absolute, total and complete idiots. If they went with the argument of the plaintiff, they'd do it as morons. If they found for the argument of the defendant, they'd do it as morons. If they compensated the 3rd party intervenors, they'd do it as morons. [the judge looks at the bailiff]

"Hang them all."

Bailiff: "Dismissed juror twelve?"

The Judge: [over his shoulder, on his way to chambers] "Consider him Ostensible Barrabas."

Prolific Writing by Design