I don’t date.

I do permit a small number—I like to think of it as an elite body of soft servitude—of slave girls to service me in hopes of staving off prostate cancer, although the pain in my hip makes it scarcely worth it on an experiential level.

This organization, Match.com, has, for the past 5 years, since my 50th birthday, been sending me unsolicited photo profiles of likely wenches which this company has determined I would be interested in. I have never responded to their free membership, blah, blah. They don’ seem to realize that I am an undead Kurgan warlord pretending to be a gnostic crackpot, and have instead come to the obvious conclusion that my old ass is not interest in women my age or older. On my 54th birthday they stopped sending me broads over 60. This past week they stopped sending me broads over 50.

So what did the cyber tide wash up on my under-sexed beach?

1. W84dlady, 43 years old Baltimore, 12 photos, a black babe who could probably beat me in a ground fight—next life, maybe as a luggage carrier…

2. Hussle69, 49 years old Baltimore, a good looking platinum blonde who wants mutual, simultaneous oral sex, and according to her nose, swallows—I know this from experience. If my left nut didn’t hurt all the time, I’d be checking out those other 5 photos and maybe adding her to the seraglio.

3. SoulOfaWoman, 50 years old Baltimore a gorgeous black-haired beauty of either Latino or Indian make offering 11 photos. I certainly hope I dragged a few of these home in days of yore. This one is obviously a pro, who is in the business of satisfying men of dignified standing. She’d think I was a homeless guy and I’d have to rape her in a parking garage—a little more effort than I’m up to.

4. Abutle8, 37 years old, Arlington. Liv Tyler is apparently whoring herself out to old dudes of the political class. She’s too perfect looking to fuck on a bed that’s not made of still-living politicians. Sorry, too old once again. Note that all the babes in their 30s live in the Washington D.C. area

5. SpinningJenny170, 47 years old Baltimore, I have seen this girl in Baltimore. She is built like an hourglass and hangs out in Canton. I would love to slaughter some negroes rescuing her and then sell her to Mescaline Franklin, but he’s busy and my back is killing me. This is the first woman whose slutty, demure look has got me considering actual sex. She’d fall in love with me—delete. Ishmael, you’d love this girl, looks like she belongs in Utah.

6. Jammers252, 47 years old Baltimore, another pretty divorcee looking for love in THE WRONG PLACE. Wavy black hair and full red-lipped pale face make one stir in his ancient loins... Would have killed for her once upon a time but today would rather have a date with a genderless Rican in a bottle. No thanks, the lost kitten ranch is closed.

7. Packerbabe17331, 53 years old Hanover, sorry, all out of used bimbo juice.

8. Kathyp7262, 50 years old Hanover, a pretty brunette with a personality that shines meekly through. Marriage material. I make $325 a month—don’t think I want to disappoint someone by two entire digits.

9. KGB24601, 53 years old Washington, sorry your old man dumped you for #4, but I feel his pain.

10. Jeane1000, 49 years old Baltimore, Usain Bolt’s little sister has 12 photos and for her profile she picked one wearing pink tights and a do-rag on a freeway ramp? If I still had two hips we could have a great time, sister!

11. Christy273237621, 39 years old Washington, a pretty, athletic, brunette is desperately seeking a husband to father a little brother for the kid she’s cuddling. I’d do it, but you’re American. 242 years liberal of baggage is more weight than my weary shoulders can handle. Big Ron!

12. Lynette20721, 53 years old Bowie, a model quality mulattress has 12 phots proving she is not Michelle Obama’s half-sister by a Kennedy, which is essentially an ad that half-black hookers don’t crack. Sorry, you’d cost my month’s earning upfront while your little brother was ripping the copper out of my landlord’s heat pump.

13. Chillcoolchic, 39 years old Washington, is a pretty, huge-eyed brunette with black hair and a Russian whiteface. I’ve already had to put the thought of her blowing me out of my mind six times. I mentally resent the vision every time she reaches for the razor blade in her waist band. This bitch scares the piss out of me.

14. Ursie98, 47 years old Columbia, a really sweet looking girlish mսlatto babe who obviously hasn’t figured out how bad the world sucks just yet. One look at her somehow innocent face fills me with a certainty that I would be the worst thing that ever happened to her.

15. ShefShondi 45 years old Baltimore a pretty black chick with big titties who can cook. Ten years ago—Hells yes! Now, she’d put 10 more pounds on me and I’d need to buy “heron” from her grandson to deal with the additional back pain.

16. Shelly 546, 48 years old Sterling, a smiling cat lady who sends chills down my spine thinking of how much inner pain she is in.

I’m retired ladies, thanks but no thanks.

Now you young men who are disgusted by the low moral quality of your American female counterparts, the leggy list of last-chance broads above are all obviously horny, probably experienced and at least represent debased versions of a superior generation of women, so practice on such-like wenches listed in your area while you search for Mrs. Right.