My host has confided in me that he believes long term incarceration to be cruel and expensive and wondered what historic models there were for dealing with violent criminals that might abate these two civic dilemmas.

I say, as a heathen and an advocate of barbarism over civilization, that if you do-gooders on this domesticated planet are serious about being humane and thrifty at once and not burdening the people with our sinister corrections system, that one should look to Rome for inspiration.

What would an honor-based system look like?

Prisons will be retained as inmate-staffed training enters for The World Warrior Fund. The support staff shall be drawn from nonviolent criminals, managed by owners of such teams as the Baltimore Butchers, Houston Hyenas, Chicago Cleavers and Cody Scalp-Takers. These teams of gladiators would be drawn from violent criminals and fight duels and battles on sponsored broadcasts, with a 5th of all profits donated to victims and families of victims.

Ticket sales for venue seating would be highly profitable as the water boys, peanut and beer venders and other staff would all be drawn from traffic violators, petty-criminals, white collar turds, etc.

Crimes from assaults to mass murder would draw penalties such as:

-Shop lifting, must return a kickoff against an NFL special teams squad.

-Looting, must haul a side of beef across the stadium floor to the barbecue pit. The stadium will be stocked by whatever carnivores form the team mascot: grizzly bears, cougar, lion, hyenas, etc.

-Assault, must wrestle with a professional wrestler

-Kidnapping, must fight a current MMA contender in a cage fight, logging at least 15 minutes of fight time.

-Resisting arrest, the accused will be tried by combat in an arrest bout between the pig and the thug, with the arresting officer armed only with handcuffs. If the charged is cuffed by the cop he will be assigned to a gladiator team for the season. If he cuffs the cop, he gets the cop’s job and the cop is assigned to the team. This would encourage police fitness.

-Robbery, must serve as the quarterback or ball carrier among professional players in 4 downs of football

-Battery, must box against a pro fighter 1 round for every time he hit his victim

-Rape, must engage in naked MMA bout against Chris Cyborg…

-Assault with a deadly weapon, must fight a stick-fight against another who committed the same crime before being assigned to a team for a season

-Attempted murder, must fight with knives against another wannabe murderer before being assigned to the local warrior team for a season of combat

-Murder, gladiator for 3 years, if you survive all twelve of your quarterly duels or battles, you walk

-Crimes of violence by women will result in them being assigned to teams as whores and form the basis for rewarding good behavior and victory among team members.

-Tax evaders most box the prosecuting agent and decide the affair like that. Prizefighters with accounting degrees like Cuck Liddell would be eagerly sought by the IRS.

-Mass murderers are gladiators for life.

-Corrupt politicians and civil servants will be fed to packs of pit bulls or team mascots at half time.

-Cannibals will be staked out for a pack of starving coyotes

-Male child molesters will be crucified

-Politicians and religious figures who rape children will be burned at the stake or thrown to the dogs at the victim’s discretion, regardless of gender.

-Female child rapists will be assigned to a team as a whore for life

In court, the accused can always demand that he be assigned the punishment, waiving his trial and serve the term for the reduced term named by the judge from among the lesser penalties on the list.

I think you get the idea, Manny. This is private monetization of creeps, killers and social retards without taxation. Teams could also accept volunteers. Think how easy this makes suicide or dropping out.

Fighting Smart: Boxing, Agonistics & Survival