Earlier this week, I sent the following email to Mr. LaFond:

Mr. LaFond, I’m forwarding you a link to a news story. Didn’t I write a short fiction about this sort of thing awhile back, they even shaved her and put jewelry on her, just like in my story.

Your pal,

Tony

To which he replied:

I don’t have time to read every link sent to me, or every story one of you illiderit maniacs writes. Why can’t you people just LEAV ME ALOME! I have books to write! Write an op ed on it, and I’ll put it in a book or something.

Take care,

James

A real life writing gig! Wait til I tell the guys at the truck stop about this. If Mr. LaFond asks for an op-ed piece, then goddamn it, Mr. LaFond gets his op-ed piece. He’s not the kind of man you say no to.

And so we have the lurid tale of Pony. Pony you see, is a female orangutan who identifies as a woman. Until recently, she was earning an honest living in a Bornean brothel, providing companionship and other services to the local agricultural workforce. Her madam lovingly shaved her every other day(Any Italian ladies out there reading this?), provided her with make up and jewelry, and did everything in her power to make Pony feel like a real human woman, acting not only as her employer but as her surrogate mother as well. That is, until some Danish biologist on a moral crusade decided to stick her nose where it didn’t belong and bring in the fuzz.

The sensationalist British press tells us that Pony was “trained to perform sex acts”. “chained to a bed”, “forced to have sex with men twice her size”, and “knowing what was expected of her, would gyrate her hips when a punter came to her door.”

Somehow, when humans treat animals the same way they treat other humans it is “inhumane”. Know what else seems inhumane to me? Working as a field hand on a plantation in the wilds of Borneo for a dollar a day. The Borneans are known to be heavy drinkers, and who can blame them? A once free people now live under conditions that look very much like modern day slavery. If you ask me, Pony is just lucky that nobody ever thought to train her to work as a field hand.

I can imagine these poor souls at the beginning of their 16 hour shifts, hungover, still drunk maybe, saying “Dude. I got SO FUCKED UP last night! I can’t even remember how I got back to my hut!” “Bro you were smashed! We ended up at the whorehouse and you fucked a monkey!”

These jungle dudes in Borneo must have some ball-busting wives, ex-wives, and girlfriends to have been driven to the point of seeking affection from an ape. This isn’t the sort of activity a happily married man engages in.

Sadly, Pony has been “rescued” from her place of employment, and now lives in a cage with other orangutans, no more make up, no more lingerie, no more rice wine, no more sucky-sucky. Just another ape in a cage.

Why can’t a working man (or female orangutan for that matter) ever get a break? As soon as he(or she, or it) finds a way to get ahead, they go and change the rules on him, forever keeping him chained to the bed of poverty and ignorance, raping him through taxation and forcing him to gyrate his proverbial hips in service to the corporate masters. What little bit of happiness we’re able to squeeze out of life is so quickly snatched away in the name of decency, or some feeble minded feminine notion of what’s right and wrong. Hope you feel better now that you “saved” Pony.

I suppose, Tony, that the story or Their Little Pony is a sure sign of the feminization of our time, coming from the same area of the world where Kong has resided in cinematic myth for 94 years. The compassionate tale of the giant gorilla who smashes humans with extreme agency is replaced by an Orang strapped to aboard like some Romanian bitch in a Turkish brothel.

I have two thoughts with what was done to Pony, first, the complaint that she was under-aged and that she wasn't given to male Orang soldiers, who I'd like to see trained as soldiers, armed with AKs and used to thin the human herd. Overall, I like the idea of upgrading Orangs and Gorillas to Chimp levels of violence rather than degrading them like debouched bonobos.

Secondly, as a man who was once abducted and sexually assaulted by a woman who had been raped as a girl, I'm wondering what might happen if Pony grows up and escapes and starts raping humans—perhaps forcing same-sex attentions upon the cold wives who treated their men so callously.

Finally, I'm wondering if such bestiality practices reflect the rampant atheism of our age as humans come to view themselves as aspects of an ascendant meat-puppet deity. Might Hera have sneered at Zeus seducing mortal women like some Arab wife deriding her husband for pegging the family goat? Indeed, the idea of virgin birth of deified humans, such as Herakles, Theogenes and Euthymus, might be viewed as an omniscience crossing a gulf of debasement and ignorance deeper than that which separates us domesticated apes from Pony and the mythic Kong.

Nice Day for a Funeral