The Uncivil War—the cultural genocide we are knee deep in—seems to have only two colors, “black” [a 2,500 year old biblical fantasy race] and white [a 500 year old mercantile fantasy race.] The greatest comedy humanity has ever seen seems to revolve around these two artificially assigned meta-zoological races, who were designated by their slave masters to represent either the absence of light or the absence of color. As the media buries every story that does not serve to reignite oreo-cookie racial polarity and promotes ebony-ivory animosity, it could be useful to know where you stand behaviorally. Regressor LaFond will ask a question and then frame two to four options. Collect your score for each option selected and then add them and apply the total to the Ebony-Ivory Polarity Scale.
-1. When you enter a men’s room to use the urinal, do you:
-a. Wash your hands before touching your dick, or
-b. Wash your hands after touching your dick?
A = 1 point
B = 0 points
-2. Why do you use a condom?
-a. Because the bitch don’t trust you, or
-b. Because you don’t trust the bitch?
A = 1
B = 0
-3. You have a new coworker, eager to please, hard working but a little slow catching on. He happens to be black. When he makes an honest mistake which might lose him his job, do you
-a. Go to bat for his dumbass, or
-b. throw that uncle tom under the bus!
A = 0 points
B = 2 points
-4. You hear a window break in your basement in the middle of the night. Do you,
-a. Call 911 and hug your wife, hoping the police arrive before you are served the indignity of seeing her raped, or
-b. rise from bed, grab your 30-year old oil-soaked two-by-four and say, “Bitch, doll yourself up—‘cause I’ll be back in the mood for some pussy soon as I straighten this shit out.”
A = no points
B = 2 points
-5. You are walking on a country road in some national forest and this giant, hairy, reeking ape steps out in front of you, do you,
-a. Say, “Not today, son,” and run for your life, or
-b. Say, “Get da fuck out my road you homeless motherfucker,” and go up side his head like Iron Mike, or
-c. Stand there and say, “I knew you were real, Can I have your autograph?” or
-d. Stand there and say, “You are just an illusion. I need to invest in these shroons, maybe start a growers’ co-op.”
A = 1 point
B = 2 points
C = 0 points
D = -1 points
-6. You are crossing a street in a crosswalk and you can tell that an oncoming motorist is not respecting your right-of-way and is going to hit you. Do you,
-a. Take evasive action, hurrying up or backing out of the path of the oncoming vehicle, or
-b. Slow down, glare at the motorist and start planning your law suit?
A = 0 points
B = 1 point
-7. You are harassed by a PIG. Do you,
-a. Keep your mouth shut, or
-b. Tell the PIG what you think of his civil rights violation, or
-c. Reach for your gun or run?
A = 0 points
B = 1 point
C = 2 points
Ebony-Ivory Polarity Scale
Score
0-1 Pure White Bread [Bug Men]
2-3 Cracker Jack [Hipster Faggots]
4-7 Confused [James LaFond and the Myth of the 20th Crew]
8-9 Ebon Prince [Big Ron, “Yeti Waters” Tony Cox and Wayne Jenkins, Ring leader of the Baltimore Gun Thug Task Force]
10-11 Black Superman [about 100 dudes that got gunned down in Baltimore in the first half of 2019]
Let the World Fend for Itself
Big Ron's Baltimore: A Working Man's View of Urban Blight
