"This is just a massage tool, Officer..."

Sun, Oct 13, 1:50 PM (7 days ago)

James,

Let me introduce you to Kelly Worden, a self-defense/FMA instructor. In the video linked below he demonstrates the varied uses of an impact weapon called the Travel Wrench ( . The demonstration is complete with stick, kubaton and even necklace self-defense techniques. The point of the video is that such items are perfect for self-defense because they are not lethal and still comply with most weapons laws of the Western World. What is your take on this material?

Personally, I distrust the innocuous appearance and family-friendly packaging of these items; their very existence and the fact that you are carrying them seems to me like an implicit statement that you are expecting to be attacked and are planning to use them as self-defense tools. Any prosecutor worth their salt would call this Intent and in this day and age, Intent gets you in trouble...

I would like to know your opinion on such items and how one could possibly substitute them with other, more inconspicuous objects (e.g. coin rolls, short sticks used as "massage tools", box cutters, etc.).

Best regards,

- The Exile

Wow, bro, Kelly Worden needs no introduction. While I was the worst-selling paladin author, he was the top dog, doing videos with slick presentations. However, I'm guessing that me not being worth shit and living the life of a white trashian while "Datu" jetted about the nation doing seminars might have left me with a perspective more appropriate to the post-Caucasian world of our Dark Kangdom...

Okay, this isn't Kelly Worden, the Natural Spirit fighting guy from Tacoma Washington, its Ed, a scary fucking redneck from You Took the Wrong Turn Boy, CSA. I'd love to see Ed teach Flav-o-Flav how to weaponise his gold chain and clock. Kelly is the old dude on the cover of the DVD case. Ed's checking hand is very good and note how dependent his close weapon work is on his empty left hand stiffarm-check-strike to the head. Ed had been a PIG for 8 years it seems, but I'm giving him a pass based on his small town accent and the concern he shows for his wife' blinds!

As for the travel wrench, it is obvious designed for airplane travel and courtroom defense as it is non-metallic. Ed's video characterizes it as a weapon, and, get this, he is using the DTL version "Destroy-Trap-Lock." We are already real weapony. A kubaton is recognized by most cops as a weapon and they will take it. If law enforcement recognizes it as a weapon but it is not in the very out of date statutes he is working under, he will tend to confiscate it so that him and Ed can play with it at the Annual National Redneck PIG Jamboree. That said, Ed's a good dude and please like his video. If more men were jar-heads like him we'd have less violence in the streets.

I recommend, as does Ed, that you use this tool and any dedicated weapon designed by martial arts geeks, as a trainer and sparring tool and generalize your skills to the use of such things as pens. Note that Ed did not want to stab his Bob dummy with the pen—that tells you that the pen punches holes in shit, like Bob and Tyrone. Poor Ed had to correct himself for pointing out the obvious fact that your attacker is probably not a Bob but a Tyrone. I recommend a combination magazine, tightly rolled and a pen clipped to your shirt so that you can grab it in the icepick grip. That backhand strike is the most effective with small blunt weapons and I like the magazine as the primary weapon and the pen as a back up.

Flashlights, books, mugs, ashtrays, rocks, bricks, road tar are all effective weapons and I urge readers to be of the mind that every object and tool within sight is a weapon and practice inventorying the spaces you enter and pass through as an exercise. His best introduction in terms of creativity is the hillbilly antler necklace—hells yes!

Sir, a friend of mine down under recently had his martial arts trophies taken by police because his son had a fight at school. That type of policing is coming your way and mine. So, practice with made for martial arts tools for ergonomic reasons. But adapt all of your techniques to common items.

A final word: Note all of the strikes Ed does to the back and spine and back of head. FMA and Silat are addicted to that kind of stuff and its great for sentry removal or for Ed and his ATF buddies when they catch me hiking on their property and want to have some sport. But any paleface that strikes an Ebon Knight from behind, even while being assailed by an entire pack of such worthies, is legally toast.

I am a traveler across the face of the sorrowful world, but rather than a travel wrench I'd prefer a travel wench—it's getting cold out here as I lose weight and I'm recalling plump comforts of old...

Fighting Smart: Boxing, Agonistics & Survival