For the crime of being the only race since the Pharaohs to hold people in bondage, and to inflict the state of slavery on the only race of people [1] ever to be enslaved in human history, the pale devils need to finally pay back the people who built this nation and won its wars, built the Brooklyn Bridge, raised the Empire State Building, stormed the beaches of Normandy and Iwo Jima, and won the Cold War. The hereditary underclass of African- Americans, have finally been elevated as morally superior to the savage palefaces that have held them in actual and virtual bondage for 400 years.

But how do we cash that in—how do we monetize this long-delayed justice?

For the wronged, I suggest a point-for-point, a crime for repayment scheme, recognizing that a paleface of 2020, is as evil as his whip-cracking ancestor of 1620 by virtue of his legacy of privilege, advantage got solely from the labor of the African American of old.

-1. Slaves were once forbid to interact as individuals with their oppressors. Any paleface who does not say, “Sir” or “Ma’am” or cast his gaze down, or take a knee, when addressed by a person of color, shall be found guilty at the word of his accuser, of “inferring the N-word” subject to a caning or other type of ass-whooping administered in a public space or on video by Michael Jai White, Wesley Snipes, Mike Tyson or whatever Bantu hero the aggrieved party wishes as his champion.

-2. It is well known that American slave traders sailed up and down the coast of West Africa armed with oxygen pills, anti-malarial medicine, and phazers that could be set on stun. These artifacts of African invention had been pillaged from the tombs of the scientist of Egypt by agents of the British Crown. This enabled white sailors well-known for their cross-country athleticism in the jungle, as evidenced by Icelandic and Irish dominance in long-distance running events. These unnatural abilities and the advantages of using ancient African technologies to overcome the environment, coupled with the natural non-violence of the unarmed African tribesman enabled each white sailor to abduct dozens of innocent vegetarian Africans.

Any African-American who would seek reparations against the pale scions of evil descended from his ancestral abductors is eligible to declare a reverse passage. Any rich white man with a yacht or poor no account white fisherman—it makes no never mind—may have his boat and his services commandeered by the reverse passanger [new law, new word]. Once the white devil has taken his master back to Africa, he is to serve at his pleasure as a baggage carrier and bodyguard so long as his services shall be desired.

-3. As it is well known that every devil in this country once sat on the porch at the big house drinking wrong island ice tea while every dark angel broken his or her back in the field for lo this four hundred years, recompense stands starkly due.

Now to straighten that shit out, all African-Americans will hence forth be spared income taxes until the year 2420.

-4. Not to get personal, but after 400 years of forced labor it should be the law of the land until 2420, that any African-American aged 18 or older may select a surrogate employee from amongst the evil race, to do the work he’s fit to do on behalf of his sponsor. The taxable portion of this income will go to the African-American sponsor. The taxes that the employee would have paid will serve to sustain the surrogate employee.

-5. As it is well known that African-American folk have been forced to live in barns, sheds, and out buildings for these 400 years, it shall fall to the descendants of their deprivers, “the so call white man” to make reparations.

As this was a historically gender-specific crime commission, with the only woman in US history to own a deed to a house being Miss Scarlett O’Hara, reparation shall be got only from male, Caucasian homeowners or home buyers. The aggrieved party may select any home so owned by a member of the guilty race and appropriate it as his residence, with the guilty party taking up residence in the garage, shed, or other outbuilding.

-6. As it well known, African-Americans after so called emancipation, have only been permitted under the doctrine of white supremacy to work as entertainers and athletes, it’s about time to flip that script.

-A. All white school children shall be instructed in song and dance, and shall be tasked with Christmas caroling in front of African-American homes and singing the black national anthem on Juneteenth in public spaces.

-B. Not to throw anybody under the bus, as athletes have toiled for starving wages, damaging each other in combat on the gridiron for the entertainment of white businessmen for over 100 years, it shall be the law of the land that until the year 2120, every NFL halftime shall consist of a scrimmage between the special teams squad of the home team vs 13 local business men chosen by lottery.

-7. Acreage, Baby Acreage… As the black man has been excluded through slavery, segregation and then the welfare state from head of household status and in memory of the fact that his forefathers were good and well screwed out of their forty acres and a mule, every man of the aggrieved race may demand and receive forty acres of National forest, a pick-up truck, an ATV, and a camper on demand.

-8. As it is well known, that every African-American woman and her foremothers have been raped by white men, it’s about time that shit got flipped around too. Every black women of the age of 18, may demand the companionship of the white man of their choice. In the case of high demand men, such as Brad Pitt or that Helmsworth hunk, their services shall be available for weekly time slots according to lottery.

-9. First the evil white man took the child from the mother under slavery, and then under welfare took the father from the child in a bid to destroy the African-American family. In recognition of this, those little hoppers might need a hand before they hit age 18. Henceforth, every African-American child upon enrollment in preschool and until graduation from high school, shall receive forty thousand dollars a year deposited in his “little brothers and sisters” reparations account, administered by his teacher or care provider.

Notes

-1. This does support the Black Isrаelite theory, all though my colleague and advisor T. Spoone Slickens disagrees.