No time like The Lord's Day to discuss Home Invasions.

As a general rule, a place has converted to anarcho-tyranny, by which politicians tacitly use criminals to clear real estate for campaign donors and business partners, when news and law enforcement refuse to list Home Invasions as a category of crime and instead falsely report them as burglaries, robberies and assaults. My friend from Texas has contacted me for tactical advice...

Sat, Sep 26, 8:36 PM (16 hours ago)

Knock, Knock. Who’s there? Machete.

Here is one for the master’s master to address, i.e. you. This video posted by survivalist guru Ferfal, my very favourite brownish Latino type, except for the hookier I visit for sexual relief, with the huge mammals … anyway, the vid shows a neighbour who opens his door just because the woman a few doors down is being chopped up by a crazed machete dude. Said psychic psycho sees Mr Nosey, then comes to butcher him, kicking down his door as if it was made of wet tissue paper. Why have doors at all, why not, say, curtains? Then the flat dweller somehow manages to empty some .380 ACP rounds into the home invader, with a stupid wife doing hysterical things, and everyone starts crying, and I switched off, disgusted. Surely a true psycho would be chewing on the carpet as he died, calling on the dark spirits to place curses upon mankind, and all .380 ACP pathetic pistols?

Ferfal, while as a Latino likes knives, is pretty much a gun man, and has heaps of toys. Good for him. But many of us live in jurisdictions with heavy gun restrictions, so our own defense when the madmen come a knocking, are melee weapons. So, bro, if you were in the video situation, and assume the dude is totally tanked up on mind-altering drugs, and does not have much of a mind to start with, central nervous system shot, what do you recommend? No retreat, there is only one door and Mr Machete is chopping it down right now. Me, after seeing this, I went home, cracked open a cold beer or six, and improvised a Zulu iklwa spear, using a large chef’s knife (a Bowie would be better) and a strong paint pole, attached with PVC black electrical tape, heaps of it, for a secure bind. I also put tape all of the way down the shaft for a quick snooker-like sliding fucking-like thrusts, which I estimate I can get two in a second, almost as quick as real dick work. The idea is to replicate the Gaucho esgrima criolla technique of gut-cutting and intestine dropping. Trip over that madman!

-Viking Age Barbarian

Most importantly, congrats on enjoying the Latina megafauna...

Okay, your instinct for the thrust is excellent.

In a doorway the thrust strikes first and should ideally be done not with a straight dueling sword, but with a deep-bellied short saber so the thrust itself causes a larger blood channel. The cutlass is the ideal weapon for this. Just make sure it has a belly. Personally, I love the Kershaw machete, which is bellied, has a deadly point and handles extremely well in close quarter chopping.

Before I view the video I must say that you want a 26 to 36 inch weapon paired with a canvas or leather coat or jacket. At the doorway to my ghetto digs I always used to hang my duster to be paired with whatever blade I picked up on the way to the door, from bowie to Viking sword. Against a machete loose fabric heavy enough to survive one chop and then entangle the weapon is ideal for the offhand, which is inline with his weapon hand.

In a doorway against a machete, I would go with bowie and duster and butcher the intruder with cleaves, thrust-and-twist strokes and even head chops or stabs. I have a friend who has a spear at his front door which is ideal. Instead of an asagi design, use a boar spear so the crazed zombie cannot do a King Author to your Modred and creep down the shaft at you.

Now to the video!

Okay, this can easily be handled with a machete. Note how the man must brace his hands on either side of the doorway while he pulls himself through the door—a reason why tavern doors were once of oak—exposing both hands, including the machete hand.

Use a #1 stroke and cut off the arm anywhere between wrist and elbow.

If you have a spear, stab him in the cage so that it sticks and use it to shove him back out the door.

If you are armed with a kitchen knife, slash his machete hand wrist with a diagonal forehand, trap the gushing member with your left hand and then slash his throat with a backhand or shoulder butt him back into the hallway.

If you have a chair, charge him holding the seat and bull him back on his ass while his legs are forward and his hands are on the doorframe.

If you have a hammer crush his wrist with the face of it using a #1 stroke, then trap his broken hand with your left hand and backhand him through the face with the claw-end, using this to drag him under you to your right so you can drop your knee on his throat. This way you won't have to hear the dumbass whine while he dies.

If you are a hipster and do not believe in masculine action, use your wife as a human shield while you retreat to the bathroom and call 911 from the relative safety of the tub...