Oh Prince,

Between the time when the Oceans Drank Atlantis and the Demise of the Sons of Arуas, there was an age undreamed... Suburbia in the Dreaming East, Stick-it-to-you, with its jive-haunted temples...

Hither came Tyrone, troding the Road of Kangs with his sneakered feet, with gigantic mirths and shallow melodies, a fitted hat resting on an untroubled brow...

Okay, for you folks who have not read the Pulp Classics, Bantuistan is located, conceptually, in the midst of Cuckmenistan, formerly know as Whitebreadistan, both zones infinitely replicated wherever there are Walmart, uniformed municipal police and pale slave girls acting as public speakers and heralds rather than wearing silk and anklets in curtained pleasure dens.

Rule 2

Inbox

Fri, May 21, 1:54 PM (5 days ago)

to me

Stay out of other people's business.

I feel sorry for the guy, truly, but this was not a wise thing to do. No way to know who started what, before he came on the event. He is likely permanently impaired.

-Don Quotays

Don, I do not know, because I could not see them, but my guess is that at least one of the two parking lot pancakes that the BJJ coach was trying to rescue, were of the same noble race as the attackers. This would explain why they had not stayed to be spoken to by the police, who are the enemy of all mankind, in that Bantuistani warriors, wherever they have resisted colonization by Cuckmenistani money whores, still belong to an honor culture—however crude.

The important thing here is, "What would Conan think—and what would he do?"

Well, the interloper, entering a feud that was none of his business against larger and more numerous foes, with no slave girl to win by dint of his heroics and no sack of gold to reward, paid the price of the poorly advised and undersized. He tried to break up the fight like a woman, when he should have begun by KNOCKING some yo out!

Secondly, citing Chapter One of Queen of the Black Coast, an appropriate citation considering the complexion of the relevant actors, Conan cut the head off of a sitting judge in court rather than testify against a drinking companion who had slain an officer of the city guard.

Now, since the readership is presumably American and white and therefore desires a solution to the non-existent problem of a small individual being gimped up for attacking a group of larger men [he was the aggressor by any mechanical measure], what would Conan do to right this ahem, wrong?

Well, the Asian slave girl telling the story is quite a push cushion. Citing, Man Eaters of Zamboula, might I suggest Conan would strike a bargain with this woman for a roll in the Motel 6 hay, in return for investigating the mystery of the sneaker prints by appearing at the nearest strip club, where these guys no doubt went for the after hours party, choking out and interrogating the bouncer in the men's room stall—the last stall on the left...

Scratch that, if I might cite the Devil in Iron, once Conan spies a long-legged blonde beauty at the strip club, he's going to end of knocking all of these Bantuistani warriors out, and then breaking the neck of the bouncer. That would be cool, but would not solve the problem and, well, I offered a serious Conan solution.

Now, for the Conan answer that will get the sissy results desired by viewing public of Cuckmenistan: the family spokeswoman is quite a nice slice of companionship. Rewind, bro, cute and innocent—relative to the brood mares of Bantuistan, to be sure. If I might cite the Veil of Lost Women, where Livia offers her virginity to the white savage Conan, in return for his wreaking vengeance upon the frog-like black king who had slain her brother. Agreeing to the pact, Conan gladly commits a minor genocide of men, women and children, just to counter the abrasive boredom of constantly bedding black sluts, in favor of some pale softness under the pitiless moonlight of a violent life. Might I suggest a bargain, which would include noble denial by the hero of the nature of this revenge contract?

If you have any need of a Conan Answer to the yawning abyss of moral uncertainty that is Modernity, feel free to email me at jameslafond dot-com at gmail dot-com and aks away as we say in Inner Bantuistan.

Yes, and my webmaster has suggested the use of more tags, so look at the new tab above or search it on the contents panel, as the many Babylonian Woes of Modernity are solved through the art of Heroic Citation. I am further hoping that the Ophirian Scholars who squabble and sell yawns concerning Robert E. Howard's work, shall be offended and challenge the use of Conan Answers as trademark or copyright infringement. Such faɡɡotry could only help my mercenary cause.