Tamar opened the front door and stepped in. No one was home. So, if Mom had been notified she was at school or out looking for him. Bro would of course be over Melony’s house getting high in the attic. The coast was clear and he would not have to explain about the rabbit or its helmet, so he tickled him behind the ear and woke him up as he shut the door behind him.
The rabbit groused, What-the-fuck dude? Easy, they’re delicate.
Watch the cussing Mister Rabbit.
Yeah, whatever. Let me stretch my legs. I’m feeling kind of shitty, feeling old, you know.
The rabbit then went over to the coffee table and hopped up, taking an interest in the family photo.
Okay, I know who you are, and the douche-bag is obviously your dad. So who is the dyke?
A what?
Never mind. Who is the mean looking bitch with the crew cut?
That’s Mom.
Jeeze! And the tranny, who is she?
What?
The dip-shit with the braids and the pink tie?
Oh, that’s Bro, we share our room upstairs.
The rabbit twitched its whiskers sinisterly, You share a room, and I bet he makes you play in the basement and leave him alone for long stretches. You probably do your homework down here while he listens to his music upstairs, right?
You are pretty smart for a rabbit.
Excitement then rocked his mind, I knew it! If I looked like that I would be stoned twenty-four-seven. Your brother definitely gets high, right?
Well, yeah, isn’t that what all stupid teenagers with self-esteem and peer relationship issues do?
Hey, watch it dipshit.
Sorry. So what is your plan?
My plan for what, dumbass?
For taking care of the people that pick on me!
Oh, wo, woah. I’m not a military contractor here—I’m a freakin’ rabbit kid.
Well, but you’re smart. You could help me out with my long term survival issues. I’m helping you out with yours—look, a nice safe place to live.
You mean like with the Crew Cut Bitch! Please, I’d be in the crock-pot the first time her EBT card ran out.
Tamar sat down in dejection, and noticed that the rabbit was limping.
I understand, its too much to ask, after all you are just a rabbit.
The rabbit came close and raised up on his rear legs, Just a rabbit? Just a freakin’ rabbit! I’m a reincarnated mastermind of manipulation—just slipped up the one time with Otis. Look Tay-whatever-the-Shaka-Zulu-your-freakin’ name is, I’ll make you a deal. You get me high, and I will engineer your revenge! And one more thing, when we are done with those hood rats down at the park, you need to help me get Otis back. This is going to be a Simpson genocide, you got it Chaka Khan!
Well sure, that sounds great. But how can I get you high. I don’t know anything about drugs. And, what can I do to Otis Simpson? He’s like the most dangerous adult in the world!
Leave that up to me dipshit. First things first: where is your gay bunk-bed room?
How did you know we have bunk-beds?
Because your entire family looks like a bunch douche-bags! Come on; carry my fat ass up the stairs.
Tamar pushed open the door to his and Bro’s bedroom and the rabbit dropped to the floor, looking up at the top bunk, his bunk. Are you kidding me? A fucking—oops—freakin’ Superman bedspread!
What is the matter with Superman, he’s the best?
Exactly loser. Look, Superman can do everything. And the only thing that can even hurt him is some piece of space rock, and only Lex Luther is smart enough to get that. He’s gay. He’s got no weaknesses, flies, and dresses up in tights!
Now, if you are going to be a gay super hero, be Batman—why do you think they call him Batman, because he’s got a woody for Robin. Batman is out of the closet, butt-buddying around with his little faɡɡot in plain view, and doesn’t have any superpowers. He’s just a smart ass-kicking—and well ass-kissing—dude. Now, you coming from a family of homos, trannys and dykes, I can see the appeal of buff dudes in tights, but at least make it interesting!
Yeah, Batman is cool, I have to admit. Okay, I’ll get rid of the bedspread.
My man! And kid—while you’re at it—go down to the basement and get some lighter fluid.
Tamar ran downstairs and got some lighter fluid and ran right back up.
The rabbit had been snooping around under Bro’s mattress, Okay, no weed here. First, grab that lighter off of his night stand and pocket that bitch. Then wrap that can of lighter fluid up in the bedspread and tie a corner off around the nozzle with one of your brother’s shoestrings from his gay desert boots here.
Good job kid. Now, let me guess, ‘Bro’ dominates the closet and makes you keep all of your shit in that old toy box?
Yeah, how did you know?
Just open it up and look for a shoebox.
Tamar opened the closet and they were looking at a stack of seven shoeboxes supporting a pile of hooded sweatshirts. The rabbit bounced slightly on his hind legs, Jackpot!
Yank out the first box from the bottom of the stack kid.
Tamar pulled the box loose and slammed the door shut to keep the stack of boxes and hoodies from burring the rabbit.
Good reflexes kid. Now open it!
Tamar cracked open the shoebox and was hit with a strange smell, like the smell of Bro’s hair when he came home from Melody’s house. The rabbit reached over and sniffed in the box and pawed at a plastic baggie of Italian seasoning and some tiny papers, That’s what I’m talkin’ about. Get that shit out!
Tamar pulled out the baggie and the rabbit coached him through the entire process of what he called ‘rolling a joint’. He then had Tamar hold the twisted little torpedo-looking cigar in the middle, light one end, and place the other end into the rabbit’s mouth. The rabbit then sucked and coughed and wheezed and sucked and coughed and wheezed some more. This went on for quite some time, until finally the thing was burned down to a smoldering piece of twisted paper, which Tamar tossed in the toilet.
The rabbit seemed to be meditating so Tamar interrupted him. What now Mister Joey Rabbit?
The rabbit then looked at him with red eyes, A Twinkie. I got a good buzz on and don’t want to waste it. Then we go to war. It’s time to lay down some shit kid.
You know what, I have a name for you. How about Buzz Bunny!
Fuckin’ right kid. Fuckin’ right!
For the conclusion of Tamar’s story check out Buzz Bunny at our online store of go to Amazon.com and search Rise!: Three Twerps Take on the World
