Excellent question Alex. I did not know that jerks in Athens Greece used the same lame line as jerks in Baltimore Maryland when trying lamely to pick a fight.

First of all, that is what we are talking about, a fight. A fight is legally defined by our masters as a ‘mutual combat.’ If the peace was not disturbed and property was not destroyed, what this means is that in court the winner is the loser and the loser is the winner. Take note: if the law gets involved in your ‘fight’ with this jerk, there is no winner. Whoever does the most medical damage to the other pays in court, and, if someone dies, the other fool faces manslaughter charges.

As a day dreaming writer, when in peaceful settings, I sometimes find that a person who I was inadvertently staring at becomes bothered by this, thinking it personal, when I might have been wondering about the dimensions of Soto’s Noah, San Cristobal, and how many warhorses could be strapped on the second deck and how much horseshit this would produce, and how long each of the stable boys would have to shovel that shit overboard…

So, when asked this question by a passerby I have two stock answers, crafted to fit my urban setting and compliment the asker of the question based on gender alone.

If a black chick speaks up on the bus stop and says, “Excuse me Mister White, but what the hell you lookin’ at?”, what do I say in response?

“Oh, I’m sorry Miss. I was just trying to remember your name.”

“Oh”—side-to-side head bobble—“you tryin’ ta say I s’posed to know you?”

“Of course not, I was just one of the guys at the bar.”

“What bar?”

“The El Dorado—you dance there on Saturday night, right?”

She then blushes, bats her eye-lids, and says in an embarrassed tone, “Oh I’m sorry Sir. I jus’ thought you was, you know—You have a nice day Sir.”

Not only do I get by that bit of embarrassment, she feels good about herself, and the young gangbanger next to me adopts me as an elder statesmen of the streets, and says to his partner, “Yo son, dat shit da hookup dare. Niggas knew how ta tame dey womenz back in his old-ass day, no doubt!”

The beauty of this tactic is, the less she looks like she belongs up on the stage at The El Dorado Lounge, the better it works!

When some young dumb buck full of animosity wants to pick a fight with me in this fashion and says, “What you lookin’ at?”, then what do I say?

“I was just trying to remember your name. It’s been a while.”

“What old man—I supposed ta know your or sometin’!”

“Oh, of course not, you’ve always got your eyes on your work when I see you. I’m one of the dudes that Vince lets sit ringside while you spar.”

“Huh?”

“You fight out of the Eager Street Gym, right, Mister Mack’s old place.”

That is when his friends take over and begin laughing at him as his jaw drops in realization that he is being mistaken for a badass fighter that some super badass dude might want to whip, or that some punk like him will want to shoot. As his friends play-slap him and say, “Shit Old School thought you was somebody?”, you could either make your exit with a respectful nod, or, if you are a boxing coach like me, walk up to him and give him a ‘Combat Arts’ card and say, “Really dude, you look like you got what it takes. Give me a call.”

When it comes to this perennial and apparently global challenge, there is no better solution than diplomacy. Mind to keep on your guard though, that you are not being ‘puffed up’ for an attack by his friends. Even if that is the case it is still a reliable gambit.

And in case of the girl, if she is trying to set you up to get attacked by her boyfriend just include him as the bodyguard escorting her. You could swear he was the dude you saw shoving those drunks out of the way when she headed to the dressing room…