Class, this section is not about the theory and philosophy of pimping, but is rather a comprehensive examination of the Pimp’s most reliable and off misunderstood tools. Before we continue please break off and view—if you have not already—former ravens running back Ray Rice in his altercation with his darling wife in an Atlantic City elevator. It is available at TMZ. I have viewed this video the sacred seven times and will begin with the version of the pimp slap used by Ray Ray, and go onto variants and applications.
The Pimp Hand
The pimp hand is used in five applications which are adversary specific. Ray Ray, being a stupid football player who requires a coach to tell him what to do, selected the wrong application for the adversary at hand and is in the process of paying the resulting price. So, my aspiring pimp, just in case you should find yourself on video and being attacked by a female and you do not have myself of Jim Brown standing behind you intoning sage advice in your ear, here go da arsenal yo:
1. The bitch slap
2. The taste removal slap
3. The monsta bitch slap
4. The ho slap
5. And the pimp slap proper
The Bitch Slap
The technique Ray Ray used is identical to a shovel hook, only with an open hand. He did not punch her, but threw a diagonal rising hook from the hip. This is a blow that is—in boxing—favored by narrow assed Mexicans and on the street by narrow-assed pimps like Huggy Bear from Starsky and Hutch. Ray has a little too much ass to put behind this where a shorty or petite is concerned.
The bitch slap is used to stop a man of less than formidable physicality or a big bitch like Pam Grier or Venus Williams. Against this little lady it was overkill on Ray’s part. Ray Ray popped her like he was Tiger Woods and she was some pissed off Viking chick with a 9-iron.
Of course Ray’s wench did run into this full tilt and ate a lot of force. If you are hitting someone with an open hand and they are charging and you have no intention of incapacitating them, turn it into a push. This woman’s head was farther forward then her shoulders and had all of her weight forward.
Also, keep in mind that if Ray Ray had been wearing a Chinchilla fur coat, a ruffled fur scarf, and a pimp hat the camera would have not been able to track his hand from behind and would have only shown the reverse crane's beak chambered above the right shoulder, which could be explained away of you had not knocked her out Ray!
The Taste Removal Slap
Notice as you freeze the video right as the little lady’s head is about to meet the railing, that Ray’s left hand is open and above his right shoulder.
From this position, you say over your bicep, in an even tone, and if she is not running her mouth, in a whisper, “Girl, chill fo I slap da taste right out yo mouth!”
This line, if delivered evenly, and behind a judiciously placed bitch slap, should obviate the need for the delivery of the back hand, laterally across the lips. Note that if you are looking forward to makeup sex this should be avoided as her lips will be all busted up. Also, do not attempt this with a monsta bitch.
The Monsta Bitch Slap
For really big women like Queen Latifah and Serena Williams, or against formidable men, you want to hit them as hard as possible by pivoting with the left leg and rolling your shoulder through. Maximum power will be achieved at the point where your forearm is parallel with the jaw, the jaw being the target.
Additionally if a monsta bitch is charging, you must deploy the rear hand to check her forward progress as you pivot out to the left. You do not want her getting a hold of your junk before she goes into her alligator death roll.
The Ho Slap
A discerning pimp reserves this weapon for use against nappy headed hood rat hos who threaten his girls or otherwise impinge on the ghetto peace.
The technique is the same as demonstrated by Ray, only you grab the hard headed ho by her fro and hold her up for a talking to.
This may seem cruel. But please—you liberal white people—keep in mind that the hardest heads in America are to be found in boxing gyms and ghetto hair salons. If Ray Ray’s girl would have been completely white she might have died from the triple head impact with NFL palm, steel rail, and steel floor.
The Pimp Slap Proper
You grab your girl with either hand by the hair. If she’s as good looking as Ray Ray’s babe that is a $1000 head of hair; either tracks that could pull her real hair out by the roots, or real hair that is so brittle from chemical treatments that it could be broken.
The actual slap is from the elbow and just enough to get her attention, a conversation starter. If she is really your girl you need this to be a pat, a ‘Hey Baby, I’m your protector. Let’s talk this out.’
The Next Course Section
Class, the next time we meet, we will delve into pimp theory and philosophy, and the contention that the remnant pimps among us are the last best hope for civilization.
What seemed to really get under the skin of white women who chose to comment on this incident was the un-chivalrous manner in which Ray dragged his unconscious fiancée off the elevator. Like a cement bag. The optics would have been better had Ray picked her up and cradled her in his arms, or at the very least used a fireman's carry to remove her from the elevator. Lesson learned.
In recent years the NFL has sought to gain more women fans and many in the media have opined that these recent domestic abuse scandals will drive women away. However based on what you revealed to me about women actually being titillated by stories of betrayal, intrigue and internecine squabbling, this scandal may actually serve to attract more women to the NFL. After all, the Leftist controlled media, in its never-ending quest to be an engine of social change, has just transformed pro football into a giant soap opera. The games are no longer the most important things happening in the sport. Consequently to increase viewership (and advertising revenue of course) the NFL should partner up with TMZ and give the private lives of the players and coaches much more public exposure. The NFL network needs a reality show as well. Yeah…“Real Wives of the Baltimore Ravens!”…Can you dig it?
I can dig it!
Recently an older black fellow confided in me, "What did they think happened? We already saw the film of his dumb ass dragging her from the elevator. Do you really think some bitch gets knocked out cold from a hug and a kiss? has no one in this God blessed nation watched a boxing match? If your bitchy ass wakes up on the flo, then you had to get there some ways, now didn't you?"
So glad you chimed in Jeremy, and said what needed said—oh, was that my editor slamming another round in the chamber?
Pray Queen, I shall fix that redundant attempt at poetics ASAP!
Wew! Was that close brother!
Women are uniquely suited to thrive in a state of tyranny, and hence [they and their leftist male imitators] are best positioned to advise the Tyrant.
JB I am willing to bet my left nut [reduced in value though it may be] that there will be an NFL reality TV program crafted to target female fans before I depart this hallowed [or is it that hollowed] planet.
I will Jeremy, as per your recommendation, advise the use of the 'ho cradle' or the 'backtalking haul' [our east coast ghetto version of the fireman's carry] in all pimp slapping seminars I give in the future. Erique said we are a go for Atlanta.
I'll send you an autographed brochure!
Thanks for checking in.