They walked out onto the parking lot under the sunny springtime sky and he took a shot right in the liver. It felt like a nine-millimeter slug. He stopped and looked around and checked for blood but saw nothing. Then his belly started to twist.
Darn, I’m getting the call—won’t even make it to Mister George.
Maybe I can get back to the Reservation.
Best hurry boy.
As they approached the bike Zoee was on her phone leaving a message, “Aunt Flo, don’t bother picking me up from work. I’m headed out of town with some Greek-god biker stud. See you for Christmas—love ya.”
He turned to her as she eyed the bike critically, “I know, iz a gay Brit bike—a loner. Look, I just got called fer a job so I won’t be visitin’ my friends. I’m headin’ back ta my place. You can move in if you like—iz above Point Pleasant. We gotta roll now, way ova da speed limit.”
She took his helmet and strapped it on, “Then I’m glad we fucked first. Let’s roll baby—what’s your name anyway?”
“Jay, Jay Bracken.”
She then swung her leg over the bike behind him as he kicked it, and then held on to his groin with both hands as they rolled of, screaming in his ear “Nice to meet you Jay. I’ll make sure pizza is on the table when you get home from work.”
It’s a shame I’ll be gone so long. I never would have guessed this chick knew how to make pizza! She doesn’t even look a little Italian.
He rocketed back to the reservation up I-64 to Route 35 doing about a hundred. He was there in less than an hour, pulling up next to Three-River’s RV, where there was a big commotion, everybody standing around in a circle, everybody but Three-Rivers. His guts were starting to heat up, but he could take it.
He got off the bike as Angh came over to him. He gave Zoee a big kiss, pointed to his RV and gave her the keys, “That’s yours Babe. These are my people en I gotta see ta dem.”
He then stripped off all of his clothes—even the sandals—and handed them to his new girl Zoee, who was now speechless after running her mouth so much back in Charleston, “I’ll be back Babe. Dere’s more cash in the side pocket. If ya run out aks da pretty Indian boy who talks ta da squirrels en he’ll square ya away.”
He turned to Angh, who had waited politely, and grabbed the little Thai medical technician by his shoulders. “I’m getting’ the call Angh. I’ll be gone soon. I don’ know if iz Branch One er Branch Two I’m headed to. I’d like ta speak ta Three-Rivers—oh, dis is Zoee, she’s stayin’ at my place till I get back.”
Angh was frantic, “Hi Zoee, nice to meet you—she’s hot Jay—yeah, like why wouldn’t she be. You ought to host dating workshops at the local public library in between missions. Oh, yeah, Three-Rivers is uploading. I think he is interfacing with the—what is he saying?—via Ben’s RV’s GPS unit. He’s unreachable.”
Pretend you understood that and move on dummy.
He could tell, even through the growing misery in his guts, that Zoee was paying close attention, “Whaz up with Eddie screamin’ en cryin’ on da groun’?”
“He is also getting the call Jay—how do you feel about coining a scientific term? Well, you must be headed down Branch Two because you are being called together, and Eddie was only locked into the Second Branch Capacitator. Please, see if you can calm him down. This is horrible.”
They walked with the now dazed Zoee over to the circle of folks which included Ben, Maria, Bruco, Mona, Moon Beaver, Aristotle dressed in his bed-sheet, Helia the hot ancient Greek holy-roller, Augulus the drooling one-eyed Agrianian mercenary, and even Three-Rivers’ crazy alcoholic pot-smoking squirrel Mister Gerald Hicks, dressed in a tuxedo and holding a smoking joint with a clothespin. Eddie was curled up in a fetal position crying hysterically, “Oh my Gawd I’m dyin’ Yo. My belly be burnin’ Jay-Bone. Ad firz I tought it was dat damn McRib I had fo lunch! Dis shit is bad Yo! Bad! Oh my Gawd please take me en ged it ova wit!”
He got down next to Eddie and pulled him gently to his feet and looked him in the eyes. “Hey man, we gettin’ da call. We both gettin’ it. We goin’ back down Branch Two ta Dawn Star’s people.”
Eddie’s eyes then bugged out as he stopped squirming, then grabbed his stomach with a groan, “Oh my Gawd, we goin’ on da Nekked People Express ta dem hairy bitches! I’d ratha die Yo! Dat shit was so cold I wake up dreamin’ ‘bout freezin’ my ass off ta dis day Yo!”
Calm him down. Pat him on the back and keep him standing.
“Hey Eddie…”
Eddie recoiled, “Ged off me Yo—yo nekked Yo. Step back with yo freaky-self Yo.”
He let Eddie stand on his own, “Look Eddie, we goin’ tagetha. It ‘ill be okay.”
Eddie was angry and in tears, now shouting, “No it won’t Yo! If dey callin’ jus’ my ass it ‘cause someone sick o’ hurt. Dem hairy bitches callin’ you its cause dere somtin’ too big, scary, hairy and contrary fo dey nasty asses ta kill. I sick a war Yo—don’ need none a dat negativity. We got a positivity goin’ on hea’ Yo. I be takin’ from da greedy en givin’ ta da needy! You feel me Yo! Besides, yo nasty ass might not mine showin’ up nekked, but I modest Yo—ain’t packin’ no bazooka Yo.”
He could feel the call getting more intense but could not think of anything to say and Eddie thought it was gay for him to touch him since he was already stripped down for the event. So he just drew a blank. But Angh came to the rescue, “Look Eddie, you don’t have to go naked. You can go in what you’re wearing.”
Eddie calmed, “Really Yo, even da Converse Allstars, dey stayin’ on da feet?”
Angh spoke slowly with both hands out, “Eddie, if you and Jay hold right hands then you will transport together and will both reappear in the stone-age holding onto the Second Branch Unit with your left hand. The amplification of your auras will permit you both to translocate clothed!”
Darn dummy, you didn’t have to strip down. Well, no time to get dressed now, “Hey Zoee, toss me my jockstrap.”
She was standing numb and in shock holding his clothes in her hands, with her mouth in an O and her eyes as wide as their sockets.
Oh well, in the raw it is.
The sky was beginning to get overcast, so he extended his hand to Eddie as the rest stepped back. Eddie looked at him with fear, “I’m scarred Jay-Bone. Dis shit could be baaad Yo.”
Big Mister Ben, Hyacinth’s Navaho uncle, spoke up, “Say a prayer Eddie. Say a prayer.”
Eddie stood straight up and took Jay’s right hand in his, then took a deep breath as the air became ionized and Jay began to feel the thrill. He would have to admit at a later date that he had been mighty impressed with Eddie’s prayer, especially since he apparently made it up on the spot. The prayer itself, shouted like an angry rap, echoed through Jay’s being as he lengthened into an unthinkably long strand of information and raced through a crease in Time as the Universe folded upon itself:
“Yo, doe I walk true da Valley a Shadowy Death
I fea’ no evil!
‘Cause I holdin’ hands
Wit’ da eviless muthafuca in da Valley!
Take dat Death!”
I wonder if that will ever make into the Bible.
