Recently I had dinner with a young lady named Martha, and she asked me the following:
“What would you do if you were president—if tomorrow you were President of the United States of America?”
My immediate answer was, “Get assassinated.” I have been thinking though, that what time I had in office, if properly utilized, should be well worth the horrible and untimely end that awaited me.
Martha, every Monday, I shall chart the next step in the course of my ill-fated presidency, beginning today…
Week One
1. Our reader Jeremy Bentham shall be my nominee for Attorney General. Jeremy will also have the secret duty of preparing my enemies list.
2. Jack Donovan shall be appointed White House Press Secretary, and all of his speech writers will be fired. He’ll write his own stuff or adlib. I could care less. The more of a lightning rod he becomes the more cover that will provide for my ruthless international skullduggery.
3. Oprah Winfrey will be appointed as First Sister. Her duty will be to produce the weekly reality show Marrying the American President, in which I shall pledge to marry on the first day of my third year in office, a wife chosen by the American women—the men having no vote in this matter. However the First Sister goes about this is entirely her affair. I will make myself available on Tuesdays for three hours of interviews, meet and greets, etc, whatever...
4. I want a meeting with whoever runs the Secret Service, in which he will receive news of his vastly expanded authority and budget.
5. I will recall all ambassadors, except for those in Moscow, Japan, Singapore, and Saudi Arabia.
6. Seeing that all of my presidential expenses are met by the people, and that I will not live to enjoy my retirement, there is no sense in me drawing a salary. My salary will be split between two offices: the Presidential Secretarial Pool and the Presidential Athletics Office. My boxer Oliver will be charged with finding one out of work American man per week to serve as my sparring partner. For this he will receive 25% of my weekly pay to run the operation and produce the videos, and the sparring partner to the president will receive the other 25%. My lady friend Ajay will be assigned the other half of my salary to be dispensed in a similar fashion to recruit the presidential secretary of the week—no secretarial skills required.
7. And on the seventh day I’m flying to Iceland with Cheney, Rumsfeld and Baker. See you there American People!
L' Etat c'est moi! (I am The State!)- Louis XIV, 1655.
Many thanks for the appointment Your Excellency! We will convene the People's Committee for Decency, Morality and Public Safety forthwith and ferret out all who would oppose you. Rest assured that we will execute our duties with revolutionary zeal. After all, our Dear Leader, His Excellency President James Lafond, represents The State in all its glory. The State represents everything that is good and wholesome. Therefore, The State cannot tolerate enemies. The public trials of the enemies of The State should make for entertaining reality TV as well. Viewers will be allowed to vote on what form of captial punishment is imposed on the miscreants (Text 45566 for the Firing Squad, Text 58771 for Defenestration, Text 74522 for Drawing and Quartering...).
A small suggestion though Excellency... I believe you would be better served by making Jack Donovan your Secretary of Education. As SECED he could ensure that The Way of Men is taught in all our nation's schools. Further, since Mr. Donovan is a self-indentified homosexual as well as a former Satanist, I think making him the head of the Department of Education will serve to horrify the American people enough that they will understand why that useless organization should be abolished for good and all.
As for your Whitehouse Press Secretary, Excellency, I nominate Brian Williams. That way if your Administration is ever caught telling a falsehood, we can blame it all on Mr. Williams. He has been revealed to be a pathological liar after all... C'mon folks, we all know Brian makes stuff up. Why'd we make him Press Secretary? Well he's a charity case, isn't he? We felt sorry for him after NBC dumped him, so we gave him a job. Even he has to eat you know. Our President is kind, caring and compasionate to a fault..Next question!
Let it be done.
Let it be written.