Okay American people, your nightmare president has a second week in office to consider. The following orders will be issued while partying with my Buddy Putin in Iceland. Rumsfeld, Cheney and Baker are just there for show, to argue with Putin’s boys and seem all nationalistic, while Putin and I get secretly global. My pitch would run along these lines:

I am going to throw most of my allies under the bus and then try and start a low intensity conventional war with China. Here is the first phase of my plan.

1. You and I meet once a month in either the strip club I am building in D.C. or the one I’m going to build here.

2. Four times a year you and I meet for a charity boxing, MMA, grappling, or stick-fighting match to benefit the sad saps of the world.

3. All U.S. armed forces are being pulled from mainland Europe as we speak. Europe is yours.

4. I have no designs on Iran at all.

5. You need to throw Cuba under the bus and stay out of Saudi Arabia and the Western Hemisphere.

6. I want your four nastiest killer KGB bitches now stationed in the U.S. to apply to work as my personal body guards. The closer they look to the bad guy’s girl friend in the first Transporter movie the better. If I go back on any deal they can kill me.

7. That brat that used to work for the NSA, I want him. If you cough him up I will sever ties with England and pull out all military support.

1. The Attorney General, Jeremy Bentham—while continuing to build my enemies list in secret—shall begin selecting one criminal from among the U.S. prison population for me to publicly pardon every Friday. We will call this Thank God It’s Friday, and schedule the photo op for 5 p.m.

2. The Secret Service Director will begin recruiting all retiring and discharging special operations soldiers and decorated combat veterans for service in the Presidential Honor Guard, whose commander shall be MMA fighter and war hero Brian Stan. I would like purple berets thank you.

3. Oprah, The First Sister, since her production company is well capable of managing the ongoing production of the Marrying the American President reality TV show, will be tasked with a weekly assignment. This week’s assignment will be to open up Camp David, former presidential retreat, now unnecessary as This President does not retreat, as an open campground for homeless U.S. veterans and their dependents, who will be tasked with running the facility as a model community, according to whatever charter they draw up.

4. Having done quite enough to improve the state of the nation on this week, Baker, Cheney, Rumsfeld and I will be flying off to Saudi Arabia, with some good news for the Saudi Royal family.