Domestically this would be a pretty uneventful week as The American President’s energies would be devoted to diploming with the Saudi Royal Family, who would be informed that their personal security would remain a top U.S. priority on the condition that they turn a blind eye to the transfer of all U.S. military assets from Europe to Yemen.
In the mean time my key people would receive the following instructions:
1. The Attorney General, Jeremy Bentham, would be tasked with selecting nominees for all Cabinet positions. Look JB, all I need is you, the First Sister, and the Three Evil Republican Gnomes, so I want all cabinet nominees to be selected so that Senate confirmation would be impossible. I want the American people to see Their American President opposed by the rich senatorial class.
2. Management of the Lincoln Bedroom will be transferred to The First Sister, Oprah, who will find the poorest Washington D.C. family to occupy it as the ‘Keeping it Real’ next door neighbors to Their American President. This initiative would be commemorated with a screening—in the Oval Office—of Black Dynamite attended by Michael Jai White.
3. To match the above gesture the White House Kitchen—since it is not required by This roving American President—will fall under First Sister management as the National Soup Kitchen, from which no hungry American shall be turned away, with hours of operation to be 6 a.m. to midnight in order to remain competitive with D.C. area fried chicken stands.
4. This American President shall—in response to howls of disapproval over the withdrawing of virtually all ambassadors—begin reassigning one ambassador per week. This week’s choice will be Dennis Rodman to China.
Note: I would have secretly acquired the services of professional wrestler Steve Austin as a speech coach. Henceforth I will only refer to myself in the following manner: ‘The American President,’ ‘This American President,’ and ‘Your American President,’ and shall never use such weak, whining, inclusive terms as ‘we’ and ‘our’.
first sentence "diploming" ?
It is war gaming slang from the table top days. Besides, as President, even Websters is at my mercy.
Why would you pull back all of your ambassadors? You fool! That's your spy network! What are you going to do when you are blind and deaf to the machinations of the proletariat?!
Not all of the ambassadors. I am keeping Japan, Moscow and the Saudis in the fold. The rest of the world must learn to fear the U.S. again. The South Koreans are no doubt running around screaming in the streets. The diplomatic mission and CIA operatives and guards, etc. would still be there—so when you get drunk at that all inclusive resort, Mister Swinder, and wander off into the hinterland, only to wake up in a tub full of ice missing a kidney, there will still be some fawning functionary on hand to process your complaint. Only my mouthpiece would be removed, to be replaced by a more fitting representative in the order that those nations which come to their senses make offers of supplication.
Son, we haven't finished a war since 1945, and I mean to change that! And how is one going to finish a war without one being started?
As for the proletariat, they shall love me. Just see what is on next week's agenda. Have courage man—we tread the bloodstained cobbles of the Road of Kings once again!
Oh yes, I have been remise in not finding a post for you Adam. Your assignment shall be posted when I am done my tour of the Saudi prison system, and shall serve as a soothing tonic for your chronic case of Yellow Fever.
Severely,
Your American President.
Fear not Excellency, the Proles will have no choice but to love you. We shall install a Samsung smart TV in each and every American houshold (if you qualify for the subsidy you will also get free access to ESPN, NFL Network, Fox Sports Network and Speed, as well as numerous adult movie channels). Not only will this generous gift by The American President serve to delight and entertain the citzenry, it will also keep them under constant surveillance. Thus if any individual gets uppity and makes disloyal statements regarding The American President, he may, for example, be faced with the prospect of having video showing him pleasuring himself to internet porn go viral. He will see himself on every digital billboard on his drive to and from work and at every sports venue...and so will everyone else in his community. Needless to say, embarassing public revelations of this sort probably won't have to happen too many times before folks get the message. As Sun Tzu said, "Kill one, terrify ten-thousand".
...Oh, you forgot to read the fine print in your service agreement: removing or attempting to disconnect or disable your Samsung smart TV is punishable by twenty years in a re-education camp...sentence to be served at the National Home for Wayward Youth, Thule Greenland...for the entire household. Yes, if you like your current TV service you can keep your keep your TV service, but who would be so ungrateful as to spurn the generous gift of The American President?
Let it be done. Let it be written!