On this, the fourth week of This American President’s administration, I expect that the secretarial pool of weekly King magazine cover girl hopefuls will have finally compromised my integrity. After falling prey to the temptation of finally letting a Presidential Secretary of the Week have a go at the Presidential Cigar Collection, I will undoubtedly suffer from the tri-part realization that:

1. Spending too much time around the White House is just going to get me in trouble,

2. That I need to get cracking on my Apology to the American People,

3. And that I need to find something for the Presidential Secretary to do other than tempt me—she must be a redemptive, ‘force for good…’

The Presidential Secretary will be assigned mandarins from the various Federal departments to assist her in the Force for Good initiative, secretly named The Hammer of Guilt. She is to search one state per week for the two most destitute families. If there are two Democratic senators from that state, then these families must be Democratic. If there is a Republican and Democrat holding senate seats from this state, than we need a poor Democratic family and a poor Republican family.

“Start with Maryland Baby, and please, look you best. I need the American People to realize that Their American President has the highest standards, even where his indiscretions are concerned—that’s right Baby, it’s a permanent job now, and we’ll get you an interview with The First Sister. Now that’s a good girl…Oh yes, absolutely, you will outrank the future presidential secretaries of the week. In fact they will form your staff as you girls scour the nation in style for the poorest Americans. You’ll be the next Susan B. Anthony. No Baby, she was not one of the ‘plaster caster’ girls. The First Sister will fill you in.

Oprah, The First Sister, will now have the added duty of producing a reality TV show based on the very photogenic Secretaries of The American President scouring the nation for the poorest Americans from each state—and one from D.C. too.

1. All military assets based in Europe and Great Britain are now on their way to Yemen, which This American President is determined shall become the largest paved surface on the planet.

2. Adam Swinder will be named ambassador to South Korea, charged with assuring whoever is the president of that deathtrap that His American President is committed to the defense of that nation.

3. In a meeting with the Joint Chiefs’ of Staff I will direct them to withdraw all conventional forces from the Korean Peninsula, and to begin running simulations of a North Korean invasion and a tactical nuclear response from U.S. submarine assets in the Theatre.

4. I will meet with the head of the U.S. Mint about developing, in advance, The Adam Swinder Medal of Ultimate Sacrifice, which shall be awarded to all U.S. Ambassadors who go in harm’s way for Their America President, in ‘welcome home’ and posthumous ‘Arlington’ editions.

Adam, you know I love you Bro. I am also so grateful that you volunteered for this assignment. Oh, the six Eastern European-looking dudes with the ear plugs, they’re your security team, and have nothing to do with any possible feelings of reluctance on your part.

I think that is quite enough mayhem for this week. Next week the Rose Garden Gumbo initiative will take center stage.