As the ‘oval orifice’ scandal involving This American President, the secretarially challenged King magazine cover girl masquerading as Her American President’s secretary, and the long pale shadow of That American President Bill Clinton, begin to rock the World’s Capital, This American President will not back away from his course.
The American President will address the nation briefly from the oval office, smoking a cigar with a life size painting of Bill Clinton as a backdrop and the presidential secretary standing beside him with her memo pad and pen held in her manicured hands. Likewise her understudy stands on the other side with a phony karaoke microphone held below my chin.
“American People, Your American President has been busy on your behalf, and, as you can see, with an eye toward the finer things in life as well. This American President understands that the American People have their concerns. First things first, American Women, I understand that a lady might not trust Her American President to act with discretion in all matters without a guiding feminine hand. It will be another four years before the American Women select The First Lady. For this reason, Tannika Vida—to the presidential right—shall be serving as Interim First Lady, and overseeing the Force For Good initiative, which shall be rolled out next week, and is dedicated to the cause of rescuing the poorest Americans from poverty.
“American Men, seeing as how Your American President is a huge fan of Andrew Jackson and will spend little time in the oval office, the presidential secretary of the week—this week represented by the fine young lady from Texas to the Presidential left—will require some company. Miss Texas here will be operating a weekly national lottery beginning next week, in which one American Man will be chosen at random to occupy the oval office, and take on the onerous task of signing everything those rich guys down the street send up here, with the aid, of course, of our highly trained secretarial staff. You will have you very own Secret Service detail and may share the amenities of the presidential suite with one family member of your choosing. Your final duty of the week will be to right a report to Your American President as to how Your Nation could be more efficiently run.”
“American People, this is Your American President, taking full responsibility for his indiscretions and yours as well. Next Monday The Presidential Address will come from the senate floor. It is This President’s honor, to serve three hundred million plus American Patriots.”
As the Liberation of Yemen from the Yemeni Menace gets under way I will detail the ranking generals of the U.S. Army and national guard to send half of the combat and support strength of every U.S. Army division in the continental Unites States to the U.S.-Mexican border. I will also speak to the Navy people about putting a carrier each off of Baja and Yucatan. The Joint Chief’s will be directed to begin planning for Operation Homeland Superiority.
That should ruffle some feathers—Oh yes, I want a piñata hung up in the Rose Garden where I’ll be having gumbo with Ted Nugent, Johnny Trejo and the Duck Dynasty guys—and by all means, stock the shindig with some poor Mexican kids and plenty of smiling Latinas from telemundo land.
