When Martha asked me what I would do if I were president, I responded, “Get assassinated.” That is because I’m a wargamer, and a Darwinist. For me being president would just be about moving the pieces around the biggest board available. In order to do this I would require high popularity, higher than any presidents in my life time have maintained, and this could only be attained in the short order required by essentially dismantling the legislative branch of the Federal Government.

In order to become a populist tyrant I would need only do what current politicians do, which is play to the large proportion of stupid Americans, and also develop the legislative branch of government as Public Enemy #1. And, since the Senate and House are Public Enemy #1, this should not be difficult—hence The Hammer of Guilt campaign.

Before embarking on the Presidential Road Trip—instead of callously and imperiously flying over the nation as others have done—This American President will walk to the Senate, while it is in session, with the two poorest Maryland Families, and Brian Stan, head of the Presidential Honor Guard, in his purple beret. If there are two democratic senators and they are both white, then both families will be white democrats, etc.

The First Sister will have already released a short documentary on both of these fortuitous hard-luck families. Just after the film airs, these downtrodden folks will accompany Their America President onto the Senate Floor where Senate business would be executively interrupted in order for This American President to request that the senior senator from Maryland adopt the family to the presidential right and care for them like his own children and grandchildren through his generous salary provided by The American People. The junior senate would be asked to adopt the family on the left, putting these oligarchs in the position of either publicly obeying the moral will of Their American President, or publicly denying their own constituents. These folks would then be able to remove themselves from welfare rolls, attend college and trade school, visit the Senate on bring your child to work day, etc.

If the senator declines or vacillates, and gives any answer other than an eager affirmative, then this downtrodden and woe-befallen family shall be adopted by Their American President, and immediately be moved into the white house while the private presidential lawyers retained for this purpose by The American President expedite the adoption. In such cases, the Attorney General will add the ‘grinch’ senator to the Enemies List.

A senator with the moral fortitude to do his part to eradicate poverty through his own self-sacrifice, will enter the Presidential Circle, that being the elite body of legislators who The American President will actually acknowledge as human beings. Senators who do not, when their day of adoption comes—one per week for the first year of This American Presidency—will be ostracized, their name unspoken, and every bill they vote for shall be vetoed!

In response to The First Sister’s obvious question as to the presidential ability to be an involved parent with such a vast family, This American President will reserve every Saturday and Sunday to spend time with his growing white house family—although after 10 a.m. he will be partying with the Secret Service, who will have their own club house room, complete with stripper pole, jello-wrestling pit, and hopefully Carmen Electra.

The actual purpose behind this and other initiatives is to achieve total domestic gridlock and encourage stonewall opposition on the part of an unpopular legislative branch against a popular executive. This American President will rely on the mean spirit of the House and Senate parasites to increase his popularity toward executive order nirvana.

Oh yes, Snoop Dawg, Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson shall be assigned the duty of nominating ambassadors to all African nations.