“Chump (chump), n. 1.Informal, a foolish or gullible person”

-Webster’s College Dictionary

I take issue with the incomplete nature of the definition above. It is not a terrible definition, just a misleading one, as it lacks the salient nuance implicit in contemporary usage. You see, in Harm City a chump is ‘a person who deserves to be fooled because they are gullible’.

Most chumps feel safest at work and at home. They then get a look of dismay on their face when they find out that most of those targeted for redistribution by so-called criminals are banked near work or home. So Mister Chump, just in case you were in fear of being the object of an incompetent effort at redistribution, I have crafted this career development and social empowerment primer for that victim of oppression lurking on the underside of your cushy life, wondering how he is going to make ends meet. The solution is obvious, by taking what he needs out of your rear end!

That’s enough for you, winner of life’s lottery, and rightful candidate for hands-on redistribution.

…Okay Son, I feel your pain; know what it is to be a poor dude living in an unjust society next door to wimps who seem to have it all. This article is the first in a series of career development efforts on my part. You see, I have made a fortune—to you any way—selling books based on your boneheaded life choices. Being a righteous man, I see no other moral course but to ‘give back’ to those who have made my literary infamy possible, by educating those like you in the proper use of smarts and force to ‘even things out’.

First, forget using a gun. That is five extra years right there. In fact, if you have a gun, sell it to some gangbanger. Let that fool go to prison. You want to use your head and your hands. You’re not some dumbass suburban white boy who actually thinks he’s going to get away with offing his old lady, and then gets caught. Killing is stupid. Cops are real good at solving murders, especially if it was a chump who got murdered. They have smartass cops just for that. If you just rob people, then they detail the dumbass cops for that. You want the dumbass cops looking for you, not those smartass cops.

Oh yes, one final thing, dress like you have some sense boy. Leave the hood-rat attire at home and dress like some fool that a dude that makes a lot of money sitting on his ass and bossing people around would trust. Speaking of that dude, that rich prick, learn how to talk to people like him. Don’t bank his ass. He carries weight; like a set leader in a suit with cops for muscle. Bank the chumps that work for him! By learning how to talk to this dude you will develop your ability to bullshit the cops, and, more importantly, the ability to convince your donors to give you what you want without going through a bunch of shit.

Now, there is a lot more general advice I could give you. But, since that slumlord forced you to eat the lead paint off of his walls when you were a little pain-in-the-ass, I thought I’d respect the implicit limitations and not stress you out.

Powerful animals, such as the tiger, and the extinct smilodon hunt from ambush. This requires cover. If you are bigger than your prey, then make sure you don’t go the way of the smilodon, who was discounted at the evolutionary thrift store by the thinning of the lush vegetation he used to hide in. Hunt from cover big boy. Don’t let them see your big ass coming until it’s too late.

For you runts, you do not have to be big to be an ambush predator, just bigger than your target. Hell, house cats only weigh eight pounds and kick ass from ambush all the time. They just have the good sense not to bank a Doberman. So, don’t be a dumbass. Don’t bank the human equivalent of that Doberman. Get yourself a poodle. Make sure you can handle your work.

Location, location, location!

Think about where you would build a drive-thru joint to sell fried chicken if you were some plantation-owner-looking-somebody on a red sign. Now, reverse that logic, and go bank people somewhere else. Don’t go where people are hungry—they’re already pissed. Go to some joint where people buy things that they think a lot about, so that they will be distracted when you approach them—or bank them, depending on your style. Vans, privacy fences, decorative walls, and yard shrubs make good cover. Also, these very same things are owned by people with far more money than your crack-head friends!

The best place to ambush someone is at their home, when they are leaving for work. This requires observation and good instincts. Don’t hit people at peak hours. Most people leave their house between 7 and 8:30 AM. Bank that hard working ass-kisser while he heads to the car at 6 AM. The chick still putting her makeup on at 9:30 AM [who is so damn hot her boss lets her come to work late] as she walks to her car is another good target. After 9 AM most residential neighborhoods are basically deserted, especially when it is cold out. People are easier to hit in the morning, so wake your ass up and get to work!

If you just can’t sleep it off in time for the mid-morning stragglers, then hit people while they are leaving work after dark. The second best spot to nail them after dark is in retail parking lots. Stay away from house fronts around dinner time.

Your best bet at night is to nail someone who regularly walks through an area coming or going from school or work. I know one particular guy, I’ll call Dude. Dude used to date chicks in working class [chump] neighborhoods so that he could scope out chumps walking by their houses. He would dump the girl after he made his hit, trying to synchronize his crime with that moment when he grew bored with that particular girl.

One Friday night Dude seduced a working woman at a bar, drove home with her, did her on the living room floor, then, as she was getting cleaned up upstairs, ordered pizza. When the pizza delivery guy came to the door Dude took the pizza and the driver’s change, and made off into the night, to his regular girl’s house a few blocks away.

Now, don’t expect to be a pimp like that right off the bat. Speaking of which, you want to take an even longer view. You can’t be banking people forever, even chumps. Take Dude above. You know, that chick called him back even after he robbed the pizza guy on her porch. He just nailed it again and scooted. The way I see it, that girl would have put up with just about anything. He should have stayed around and tapped more than that ass. Dude could be living right, even getting this girl to front him money so he can play fantasy football at the bar. What I’m saying is, no matter how much we might admire Dude for his style, you need to have an exit strategy—a retirement plan.

While we are speaking of seduction, remember that the corollary tactic for ambushing a mobile man or any chump-of-opportunity is panhandling. Beg your ass off until he reaches into a pocket, then bank him.

Remember Son, do not run, walk to the nearest safe house.