As an inspector of sorts I spend a large amount of time in back alleys, sketchy parking lots, and even worse housing developments. I have been hunted by innocent unarmed students of our degenerate society but as of late have been running into a far more mobile and potentially more deadly foe, the four legged canine urban dweller. For some reason despite a bad economy and worsening urban environments these people still manage to find the time and resources to purchase a dog! A dog that will then terrorize unsuspecting workers and neighbors alike.

I remember growing up hearing stories from my father who was a cable guy and the harrowing tales of the dogs he fought in his day. Stories of monstrous mutts being sprayed with dog pepper spray and licking it up like it was a treat! The man was a legend in the human vs dog fighting world! My favorite by far was when he was installing cable for an innocent unarmed welfare recipient who decided it would be funny to sick their mutt on him. After the pepper spray didn’t work my father beat a tactical retreat into his van. After fuming for a minute and the property owner laughing he decided he had enough. He grabbed his tree trimming saw, jumped out of the van, and when the mutt did not retreat slashed that sucker in the face! That was enough to send the dog whimpering home to its appalled and distraught master.

During my time as an inspector I have learned a thing or two that might be helpful to the urban dweller or worker.

1. Pay attention to your nose. I have several times saved my skin by noticing the change in smell in my surroundings. Feral dogs or dogs from feral owners tend to give off a distinct smell that can alert you to their presence long before they get aggressive or violate your space.

2. Know your surroundings. If you are in their yard, house, etc realize that you are invading their turf. Should a dog get aggressive and the owner is either unaware or doesn’t care beat a tactical retreat. Never however turn your back to the animal or make sudden movements. These can be perceived as a threat and/or a fear response.

3. Aim for the mushy parts. Like a human if you are in danger of losing life or limb go for the parts that hurt the most. I put a feral pit bull down who had just leaped a 6ft fence to get my throat by meeting him as he crested the fence with a well-placed tazer shot to the nose and you would have thought I shot the damn thing the way that dog hit the ground and limped away. If you’re attacked grab a stick or something handy that is available and aim for the eyes or nose. From my experience once injured, unless they are rabid or seriously pissed, they will retreat after taking a shot to the eye or nose.

As a kid I remember doing my best to outrun or outwit feral dogs, and while jumping over a large fence is a good deterrent, not many of us are capable of such feats anymore. I find as I get older that being aware of my surroundings, beating tactical retreats, and when attacked going for the kill, has served me well.