At breakfast last week, Ajay, who has been busily departing Harm City with all of her worldly possessions, and had just gifted me the contents of her liquor cabinet, said, “I really miss your If I Were President posts. I know you probably got bored with it, but I’d like to see the return of you as President and also of the Extraterrestrial Anthropologist.”

“I did not get bored with If I Were President. I simply stopped making entrees at that point where my handlers would have had me killed, probably by my own hand. My next post was going to describe how I had a motorcade drive me to Fort Knox to determine if my—oops—our gold was still there. I’d never make it to the gate—bank on that.”

“You know, James, you’re crazy, and as pissed off as I am at this world I’d love to see what you would do if you were king of it!”

Interestingly enough another lady had recently asked me what I would do if I were King of the World. So Ajay, this one’s for you and The Lady in Beige.

If I became King of the World, and I could only accomplish 10 political objectives, what would these goals be?

1. Establish my personal Fiefdom by annexing Canada , Mexico, all Atlantic Islands, and all US. Military bases worldwide, and incorporating them into the Unites States of What I Say.

2. Declare freedom for the rest of the world by granting full autonomy, and cutting off all aid to, every nation outside of Africa and North America.

3. Become Overlord of Hell by quarantining the entire Continent of Africa from Suez and Gibraltar to the Cape, and declaring that any ship or plane other than those bringing home U.S. citizens and personnel, or making or returning from U.S. airdrops, will be shot down or sunk by the fleet of six Nimitz Class carriers, drone carriers and hunter-killer subs dedicated to maintaining the quarantine.

4. Establish Justice in my fiefdom by recognizing the U.S. judiciary and dependent jails and holding facilities as dispensers of my will, which will be that there will only be one crime and one law. The one crime is to physically molest, harm, detain or kill a person who has not done the same, or threatened to do the same, or has stolen from you, or a member of your family. The One Law states that all of those guilty of The One Crime shall be para-dropped, naked, into Africa, at a point of their choosing, receiving free fall training in flight by a jump master not terribly concerned with their safety.

5. Purge Evil by emptying every U.S. prison of inmates and staff and para-dropping them into Africa immediately, in mass, over the Congo.

6. Smite Greed by rounding up the current and former CEOs, COOs, CFOs and legal counsel for the top 50 U.S. banking institutions, beginning with the Fed, the IMF, and the World Bank, and dropping them in the Sahara.

7. Smite the Mighty by rounding up every federally elected politician, every cabinet member, and every lobbyist that has ever lobbied a member of the House or Senate, and dropping them into Swaziland.

8. Smite the Wicked, by keeping track of violence in African cites, and every fourth year nuking the most violent city with a single ICBM, carrying only one warhead. I know the submarines are more practical for this, but I really want to see one of these babies take off.

9. Colonize the Moon

10. Colonize Mars

That is it Ajay.

So sorry you are leaving Harm City, but glad for you as well. Always remember that you have a friend in low places.