In consideration of a few things I've read here, which always lead me down the path of differences between men and women, I'd like to explore nesting as an activity which can get the better of both mating partners.

Reading from this site has increased my curiosity about our male / female differences. Usually, a concept from an article stays with me, periodically swimming to the surface of my awareness, treading water, while I consider its appearance in my mind.

I've noticed that when I open this web page, the pull-down box of titles you can view on the site (within the Contents block on the right side of the page) varies willy-nilly, like the entertaining Magic 8 Ball from my childhood. This morning, synchronistically enough, considering my subject, I noticed the enticing title, On Bitches, and smiled—-surely a sign that I was exploring in the right direction.

So I quote from the venerable author of this site, in Happily Ever Under: Chapter 4, Under The Paleface, Materialism RedJacket And JillSong Shooting Bull (whose picture will also randomly greet me in the Featured Titles block, elegantly framed, bloody nose dripping copiously and obscuring the features of the author, or at least making him difficult to look at)...

“Our goods? Woman, if you appeal to my father for a divorce and he grants it, you keep it all, and all I have is Swift Knife and my weapons. It is your stuff—all of your fancy paleface junk—so you haul it.”

My lines of inquiry were, of course, based on broad gender strokes, because there are men whose garages and homes are overflowing with their own rainy-day-useful goods as well (and downsizing and organization is a common subject these days):

1. How is nesting defined, in both the animal and human world?

2. What is the life cycle of nesting?

3. Who guards the nest?

4. If nesting in our human world is represented by the accumulation of goods that ensure the survival of those in it, is hoarding nesting gone bad?

5. Is there a socioeconomic precedent for hoarding (remember the stories of older relatives who had survived the great depression and saved pieces of string, etc.); or is it just symptomatic of materialism, isolation from a helping tribe, a rank mental disorder?

6. Is nesting also marking territory?

7. What is the connection between women and materialism, manifested in nesting and why?

8. Is cleaning while emotionally upset another form of nesting, and how does it serve?

9. Nesting and sex?

10. Is there a way to work with this gender culture clash that is not extreme in its approach?

11. And last but not least, what is this land of bitches, and how does a woman or man know when she's not in Kansas anymore?

1. Most commonly an avian formation or protected place to lay eggs and rear young, though other species have these as well.

2. The negative of this, as in "a nest of vice."

3. To fit together or within each other.

4. To settle or place something in or as if in a nest.

5. In computing, the enclosure of one block of code inside another.

For a complete list of definitions, please see links referenced.

Selected Synonyms of Nest (chosen for their use by and related to men)

Den, refuge, hideaway, lair, roost, haunt, lodge, retreat, sanctuary, cave, lodge, quarters, shelter, and within this category, a base of operations.

1. Den of iniquity

2. To rule the roost

3. Thieves hideaway

4. Dragon's lair

This is often described as an activity the female engages in shortly before the arrival of her young. It may involve cleaning, organizing, uncharacteristic bursts of energy to accomplish these, obsessive (or not) attention to preparing, protecting and controlling the environment for the safety and comfort of those within it, including the screening of those who are trustworthy enough to merit entry therein.

Relative to the life cycle of nesting, I don't see these behaviors as limited to impending maternity, nor even to females, reflected in parts of the animal world and my chosen synonyms list. I also see the degree to which we engage in these activities as something affected by personality, not just gender or life stage.

As for who guards the nest, it may be guarded by both male and female or sat in by the female while guarded by the male. So much of the time, the nest is important to both.

Hoarding occurs in parts of the animal world, relative to keeping a food supply for survival. In the human world, the same may apply with a wider range of things hoarded for survival and is affected by anticipation or actuality of a large-scale disaster event. And yes, it would seem that when you can no longer move safely within your nest nor find what you need to function effectively or survive, due to extreme accumulation, there is something abnormal, running counter to survival, involved. Enough said on hoarding, I think.

Regarding the socioeconomic precedent involved, one expression comes to mind: the haves and the havenots. This great divide is exacerbated in our culture by materialism, capitalism, ideology, cultural hegemony expressed via the media, breakdown of the tribe and the family (particularly the extended family and family isolated by great distance from its extensions), the American idealization of personal independence and pathologizing of those with limited tolerance for living in isolation (actually runs totally counter to our survival instincts and behaviors), as well as other things I haven't thought of. It just doesn't seem logical that the list of influences would be so short. You're welcome to contribute here.

And of course, there are rank mental disorders in abundance in our culture. Our inability to toe the many dysfunctional lines described above results in varying dysfunctional coping mechanisms as well as simply going crazy in response to the tortures, mental and otherwise, inflicted by our society. If in doubt consider NAMI stats on this (referenced). Oddly enough, the CDC rates reported are much lower, which in my mind may be explained by who is collecting the data, their agenda for its use, and motivation to report accurately based on personal factors like work ethic of the employees and politics of the collecting institution. Also note that suicide rates vary by state, gender, race, and age; surviving a suicide may skew the rates also.

Moving on, is nesting also marking territory? In brief, it seems to fit.

In terms of women and materialism, the most obvious connection would be our society's materialism, conditioning all to get on the wage slave treadmill, increasing the speed of acquisition ability, until you ultimately fall off, falling from the social perch that your acquisitions allowed you to tentatively balance on. The more this is socially emphasized, the more uninquiring minds want the loot, particularly women who have needed to ensure their own safety and the safety of their young via their mate's ability to line the nest. This seems to be an ancient concern exacerbated by modern creation of artificial material needs where there were none. This somehow reminds me of a fairy tale of the fish with the three wishes and the greedy wife.

The only connection that can be drawn between cleaning when upset and nesting, is the fact that cleaning is a part of nesting. I suppose when we are disturbed by something we cannot control, it can provide a small measure of comfort to cozy up our own nest.

Based on the definitions of nesting I've read, I've decided that sex is nesting physically with one another, and that kind of nesting begets another kind of nesting which this article has been dedicated to exploring. There's a hormonal connection here. Women are loaded with oxytocin near the end of pregnancy and postpartum, when they will be nesting and soon bonding.

During sex, dopamine floods our brains, much like any other addicting drug, activating our "feel good center" of the brain.

Oxytocin gets released too, same bonding chemical ensuring mother/baby bonding. And the surprise: seritonin levels drop so that we get a little more anxious and less complacent about keeping up with the person we just mated with. Evidently if they stayed high, we wouldn't be concerned with who we just mated with, we'd just go on and mate with the next one.

So nature pretty much ensures that we get screwed after screwing, particularly when we haven't adequately vetted the object of our desire, leading to overstayed entanglements, commonly occurring sometime or other with all of us...

How would I try to work with the gender culture clash without being extreme?

Hmmm. Dunno. Let me try wrapping up my thoughts.

As seen by words for male nests, as well in certain subjects expounded upon on previously on this site, the lair or roost is of equal importance to the nest and treatment of it is often a source of conflict leading to banishment of one party from it by the other. There's no foolproof formula for ensuring that your lair or nest remains as you want it to with an additional occupant of any relation to you.

With intimate partners of any nature or degree, truly take a good length of time to get to know your mate before sharing: know their personality, characteristics, strengths, defects, patterns of behavior (particularly under stress), and how this blends within that person and mixes with your own mental and emotional brew.

Observe, more than talk about, their value system, as it appears in the overall pattern of their life: actions, habits, behaviors, etc. Evidently, there is no greater marker for success, however you may partner up (in business, friendship, etc.) than shared values.

If you want to give that bitch a fair shake, and I use this term most affectionately in the breeding sense, with or without cohabitation, base your considerations on what's really in front of you, not on what happened with the last 10 bitches, without dispensing with your good sense and maintaining a balanced perspective. We all have some ugly defects, so what can you live with?

I have also found certain time markers to be fairly critical. Generally, people can't keep their masks on forever. Three months is often when the real person starts to show up. If you make it to the two / three year line, you have been able to amass significant amounts of information. Don't whitewash it. You may discover a sociopath at any point unless they are gifted at staying in disguise or you were so desperate for that particular female apparition that you never read her accurately at any point along the way and always seem to fall for the same type (see the Hot-Crazy Matrix referenced by other readers for help with this).

As for women knowing when they themselves have stomped off to or been banished to the land of bitches, this can be tricky. For one thing, it requires a woman's awareness of her own patterns of relating and defects. If she's always pointing the finger at someone else, let her be. If, as the woman, you like this meathead quite a bit, and the feeling is mutual, and you realize that you have just bitten, or he behaves as if you have bitten, immediately apologize for a mistaken strike based on your own short comings or for an unintended wound. As for being sent there due to a misunderstanding or a shortcoming of his, know that you're not in control of, nor understand, what churns about in the minds of men. You will not be banished there forever, nor will he stay growling dire warnings from it and ignoring you forever. Cultivate your interests. You both need a life if you are to share from it.

Lili Hun

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nami.org/factsheets/mentalillness_factsheet.pdf