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‘Virgin, Virginia, Vagina?’
Notes on the Harm City Food Stamp Dialect
© 2015 James LaFond
SEP/15/15
Belinda, a Baltimore deli clerk, gave me the following pronunciations by food stamp customers at the deli and bakery she staffed this past weekend in an area supermarket:
The actual product description is to the right.
Virgin ham = Virginia baked ham
Vagina ham = Virginia baked ham
Dat vaginal joint = Virginia baked ham
Demonic ham = Domestic ham
Domesticated ham = Domestic ham
Desiccated ham = Domestic ham
Yeist en whazizname = Dietz end Watson
Dat shit right dere = usually chopped ham
Pronunciations such as Sanders, for Sauders, are common.
The most hilarious order this week was for a birthday cake in which the parent paying $34 [a small cake, with most food stamp cakes going for $50-80] for her son’s birthday cake, specified that she wanted it to be “a Oreole cake.”
The cake decorator said, “Do you mean like the baseball team, the Baltimore Orioles?”
The lady answered, “Dat what I said.”
The next day she came back to pick up the cake and saw the baseball team colors, and the Oriole bird mascot swinging the bat, and was nonplussed to find out that she was not able to get a refund for the Oreo cookie cake her son had wanted. She was not, however, violent, which is always a relief to a skinny cake decorator armed with only an icing bag and spatula.
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Bernie Hackett     Sep 16, 2015

Once, while I was handling PIP claims for a noted auto insurance carrier, one of my claimants called, and told me he wanted to find out about his PIMP coverage. I was nonplussed, but somehow managed to answer his questions. I didn't laugh 'til the conversation ended.
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