I have been mapping Baltimore, street-by-street, in terms of assessing environmental lethality and habitat friction. At the very same time my youngest son is looking to buy a house—and since the mail man was obviously Hebrew—he plans on making a profit on it, moving up into a McMansion, and then into a mansion proper, not just dropping into a bedroom community like his older brother and being swallowed by a housing bubble. Of course he has no tolerance for “city stuff” and, shakes his head when he sees my neighbors and cringes when he drops me off after lunch. Recently lunch has been an eight-hour Saturday cruising in his car that cost more than the house I tried buying in his infancy, through areas of Baltimore County where residents look at me fearfully and smile at him.

I look for “for sale” signs—and we find two to a block in most areas, one in nice areas, and four to a block in border zones. Baltimore is in the process of a big long sneeze. He will then punch in the address on the computer that he normally carries in his hand, but is now mounted in the dashboard of the wondrous conveyance and we view the particulars, interiors pictures—count the bathrooms… Based on where and how I live, my only function beyond finding the “for sale” sign is assessing the area for security.

In this piece we will only address the indicators that you are in a “walk-thru” zone. Walk-thru zones are no-go areas when it comes to settling in with vagina, child and/or beloved pet less lethal than a cougar or chimp.

First, we must understand that primary streets, upon which bus lines and truck loads of dope are conveyed, are crime vectors. The major crime vector in the Mid-Atlantic Region is U.S. Route 40.

You want to be five blocks from a primary street.

Secondary Streets gain access to residential areas and are often obsolete primary streets from horse and buggy days.

You want to live three blocks form a secondary street.

Side streets are for residential access. When they serve some other function, beware.

While cruising through the area if you see men, on foot, during normal working hours, shop elsewhere.

If you see more than one man loitering, leave immediately and do not come back.

If there is any type of retail operation on the ground level of a row home on a side street, within five blocks, leave immediately.

Establish the size of your side street grid by mapping the primary and secondary streets, highways, parks, golf courses and cemeteries that enclose it, and driving the perimeter.

If, anywhere in this grid, there are commercial rental properties, look elsewhere. The worst situation is the standard urban development MO in Baltimore.

A nice housing development is built significantly back from the primary street, with its back to a patch of woods between the rear homes and the blocking feature, like a highway.

At some point after the houses are sold the wooded lot is bulldozed and a low income housing development or garden apartment complex is set behind the homes with its back to the blocking feature. The criminals and spawn that move into these apartments must now walk through the residential area to access public transportation and retail centers on the primary street. Burglaries follow, robberies and rapes bloom, people move—the process begins again elsewhere, the public planners dropping in low income housing behind almost every decent Baltimore neighborhood, as if in a bid to destroy them in detail.

In every five block grid of an urban drug gang territory there will be a porch occupied by more than one man or older youth, with boys and youths seeming to use it as a home base in a game of tag. Leave any such neighborhood and never come back.

The problem is, with your government dedicated to the destruction of your neighborhood, you might come home one day past such a house that just materialized, or find that a bus that ends in a distant housing project in the worst ghetto in town has just been routed through your area. Speaking of which, there is only one thing worse than a walk-thru zone, the bus wind-thru, where city busses are routed off of primary and secondary streets, down side streets. If you see this, beware; there is a hoodrat hatchery nearby.

Keep in mind that residential grids are made in such a way as to ideally accommodate gang activity once it has been imported into the area. That layout that makes strolling with your pups so pleasant is ideal for an open air drug market.

Ideally you want to live on a court or dead end street with your back immediately to:

1. A military of government installation with razor wire fencing

2. A cemetery

3. An interstate

4. A golf course

5. A park that backs on an interstate or other blocking terrain

6. An elementary school—never a secondary school

Seek neighborhoods with no sidewalks or bus service, no strip malls, situated on ridgelines and hilltops. Beware of empty space or wooded lots. They will be filled with criminal housing complexes at some point in the devolution of this sick society.

As expressed by my young ghetto friend, Negrodamus, who has escaped the hood before and plans on doing it again:

“Mister LaFond, if you want to live without all of this ghetto bullshit and all of these niցցer-generated problems, you just follow the four rules of escaping the hood:

“One, drive the fuck out of this messed up niggadom bullshit.

“Two, do not slow down until you have not seen a niցցer in—at least—the past ten minutes.

“Three, when you see white kids playing out in the yard, it’s safe to slow down.

“Four, and if you see white people breeding—oh, Lord, Jesus in heaven, it’s okay to live there—if you’re white, otherwise you just start the niggadom process all over again as soon as those knuckleheads in the Hood find out where you escaped to...”