[Warning—oh, never mind...]
Our reader from Philadelphia—an exotic dancer no less—just sent this screed sizzling across the internet, somehow thinking it would be welcome here...
Look guys, if this describes you—and it probably does not—there are three methods for overcoming any problems with your date’s depth perception:
1. Technique [Gray’s Anatomy would help]
2. Velocity [not rocket science, just be careful not to end up like Slick Willy
3. Make her laugh, and your endowment will expand in her mind’s eye.
Just for the curious, I am diagnosing Habibi here as a priestess with a slave girl fetish who lapses into manizer rages. No, I have no intentions of hurting you feelings, Habibi. But if you feel my assessment is inaccurate you should consider making an appointment and taking the train to Harm City…
Text in [brackets are my own, could not help myself, comments.]
Fuck you, fuck your weight limit.
Two of my friends have come to me this week with the same complaint. The men that they date gave them weight limits. Excuse me?
First off… fuck you.
Second, I noticed both the men were ugly. Seriously, it was sad the kind of faces where you hope they are smart. That way they got something going for them. But obviously they were not because they said that shit. And Both The Women Were Hot.
Am I missing something here?
But I started thinking, why would they need a weight limit? Then it came to me…
You know what every thin woman has in common? A man with a short dick. That's right. Those dudes are afraid that if the woman gains five pounds he won't be able to hit bottom.
“Now, I like me some ass on a woman, it keeps me from bruising the head of my dick on her back bone." (True story)
[I didn’t know you dated black dudes. Maybe you should make an appointment with Oliver.]
But these poor bastards need to face the truth. It ain't the woman's problem, it's his.
I am not making fun of my less blessed brethren. I truly am not. But if you need to date a thin woman to feel big, don't blame her. Be a man, say to them “I'm sorry baby, but I'm a shorty. And I need a thin woman to feel manly.”
End of mother fuckin rant.
[Does this mean you have kids? I think Oliver just shut down his smart phone… no, he’s okay, was just checking to see if he had his two-by-four in the trunk of his car.]
Thank you, Habibi. You made me feel good about being beyond such concerns.
Hmm...Women wants to eat honey buns with sugar on them. Ahh...honey buns make you fat...let's see, uh...Men must have small penises if they don't like it!
I, for one, have always hated honey buns, my breasts enter the room before I do, dancing or not, and no, I don't adhere to insurance companies' bogus weight charts.
Still smiling my way through admiring glances,
Habibi