In the late 70s and early 80s I remember that you could always tell when a dude was just released from prison. You see his belt and shoelaces had been taken from him to prevent their use as a weapon or suicide device. Then, with the advent of hip hop, every yo boy wanted to look like he was recently released to enhance his street cred. Now, many youths actually purchase flashy underwear designed to be worn above the mid-thigh belt line of their ankle-dragging pants.

I think this is a good thing. My survivor mentality welcomes the wannabe criminal that disables himself, unable to run or fight in such attire. I’m also sure it makes work easier on the aging cop in foot pursuit. However, I now find my Darwinian advantage under assault by urban conservatives. I am getting old. What would I do if my hereditary foes began dressing in a practical manner? Hell, if belts come back in style I won’t be able to outrun anybody in Baltimore under forty.

The bell tolled on my tactical advantage yesterday, as I bussed it down to the Warrior Emporium to buy some sticks. The bus driver, a middle-aged woman, thanked me for helping a lady with her baby carriage—a nearly unknown courtesy in Harm City. That was fine with me. But then this arch conservative began to erode my combat advantage. A braided-hair, junky badass with gang tats boarded the bus behind me with his equally stoned mating device, pants down around his knees. The bus driver held a wagging finger out in his face, “No you don’t, Baby, not on my bus! You will pull those pants up over your drawers—which nobody wants to see nohow—or you will step off of this coach.”

Outweighed by a good 50 pounds, the twenty-something badass surrendered one of the many rights that George Washington and others fought for in a bygone era, and pulled his pants up. He was now theoretically capable of running up on me, or holding his own in those ugly confrontations I tend to have with scum of his ilk. I thought it was just a fluke. Then I off-boarded and saw a car cruise by. Next to the Obama 2012 bumper sticker was another that read “Pull up your pants and pull up our people!”

"No!" I thought, "It won’t be long and I won’t be the only able-bodied man on the street with belted pants. How am I supposed to fend off this army of punks then?"

Now I know how the Soviets felt when Regan got into office...

Moral Minority Survival at the End of Caucasian Time Paperback

The Foundational Falsehoods of the American Dream