After viewing the video of our protect-and-serve poster child swatting that hoodrat around a Baltimore school hallway, I thought I should check with Megan down at the Harm City Gourmet Pork Rinds Emporium as to the latest up-and-coming hoodrat handball standouts.

Upon the arrival of the celebrity Ghetto Grocer in their midst, Arneesha and Kelly informed me that Megan was off. So I put the question to Kelly, who gave me the short version:

“Last night, about eight o’clock, this customer—petite, about twenty—was looking for her two-year-old, a really adorable little kid who is at that stage where he just wants to run around with his hands in the air. You can hear him running down the aisles giggling and hear her yelling, ‘Dashawntay, yo betta get yo muvafucin’ ass up in dis bitch or I’ll whoop da shit outta you!’

“She was totally ghetto. So I send security [the Nigerian guard who recently risked life and limb snatching a two-pound pack of frozen burgers out from between the ginormous breastesses of a fashionably dressed 450-pound shoplifter] to get the kid. Somehow the kid has climbed under a freezer case or end cap or something and the security guard is dragging him out. But when he sets him on his feet he’s off to the races, headed for the front door—which is swinging open—and we all hold our breath.

“But the kid dove behind it just before he got smashed, which enabled the guard to disable the door and hand the kid out to his mother, who immediately grabbed him by one arm, held him out like a piñata and starts waking him so hard that he’s spinning around while he’s crying and she’s screaming muva this and bitch that. She even called him the n-word.

“Just another night in the hood, baby.”