It was bad enough that his mamma named him Shabaz, hoping he’d become a Black Muslim. It was a simple enough fix, for one wanted to continue eating barbecued pork rinds and drinking malt liquor, to hiphopify that handle to Shabazmataz.

But then what to do with a young oppressed life under the heel of White Privilege?

Everyone knows that you can’t get ahead with Whitey standing on your neck.

Why not become a Yo-Gee-Oh collectable card player—a regular shark of the nerd arena?

There were only one—well two—problems: the Japanese company that made these collectable playing cards rigmitized them decks. The white Nazis might have their trickanometry, but the Japanese have their rigmatization, which is a way of cheating by having so many rules for new cards that a brother doesn’t have a chance of locking that stuff down in the brain before them Asian kids hijacked that joint. This just added to his stigmatization.

So, Shabazmataz Murphy—at least named after the onetime President of Baltimore—decided to level the playing field.

At 3:54 p.m., Saturday, April 9, in Year One of the Uprising, at the Caroll Island Walmart, Shabazmataz reparated 11 decks of cards, whereupon he was approached by two evil, racist, white, Nazi enforcers, intent on preventing him from obtaining the same number of trading cards as that funky smelling Pakistani kid whose father owns the liquor store. These two crackers thought they were going to lay some more oppression on our man, but he was busting through, as big as both of their narrow asses combined. He shoved both of them, but then realized that that trickanometry had come into play against him as well, for these Nazi enforcers were strong as shit, obviously bred on some white supremacy steroid farm—and down he go! Shabazmataz was rigmatized, stigmatized and soon pygmatized when the poleese showed up!