I really loved it when the Yuppie Flight Corp decided to have their suburban commuter base resupplied by rail, with the result that Harm City hood-rats—no strangers to mass transportation—used this lifeline between Best Buy and Orioles Park at Camden Yards to raid Paradise Found. It was no surprise for us urban stay-behinds.
The next step was equally as predictable. The suburban elite decided to homestead in Northeast Baltimore, closer to their corporate altars and Monday thru Friday services. In so doing they pressured the Lord Council Schlep to put pressure on the City Police to drive the hood-rats north across the city/county DMZ. They did so, driving hookers, crack-heads, dope-fiends, meth-heads, stoners, drug-dealers and my vaunted panhandlers into the county along the bus line. This has resulted in numerous county stabbings just across the line, and Bill being robbed six times at the DMZ farm store in 2012.
This had the unpredicted-by-yuppie-kind effect of making the DMZ gas stations crime hubs for the unwashed to congregate and ply their unsavory trades. Once you drive deeper into the hood a gas station is as rare as an oasis in the Sahara. Where are the yuppies to go for their gas, with all of the stations just south of Interstate 695 now open air brothel/crack-houses?
Sure enough the Lord Council Schlep—a scumbag who knows who his masters are and used to force my boss to buy unsalable Burmese coloring books for language savants so that we didn’t get cited for this and that—cut a deal with a retail chain to open a ‘mega gas station/farm store’ to service the new influx of affluent motorists. The very same urban homesteader mover and shaker who spearheaded this whole thing then fought the good fight in an attempt to bite the hand, that feeds the man, that made his cozy nest—and failed!
While reading up on this local ideological Alamo I came across the following reassuring list of Harm City departments that the stalwart urban homesteader may call if he/she/it/gender-optional is ever in need of assistance from the slaves of The Man. The following cozy list is prominently displayed within the four idyllic pages of the First Annual Hamilton Lauraville City Garden Tour: [with my ghettocentric commentary in brackets]
1. Rodent problem 311 [the rat killer with the bloody shovel, see Rat Ratification]
2. Community Affairs [yawn] 410-396-5819
3. Gangs [Yo, we have our own number Yo!] 443-984-7351
4. Homeless Shelters [Prepare to paint that for a hellfire strike Tango-one-niner…] 410-361-4677
5. Clogged storm drains, open fire hydrants [Time ta chill Yo], flooding [and anything else that can wait until the next mayoral verification] 311
6. Lead Paint Abatement [Yo, dis shit be tastin’ like Necco Waffers, Yo.] 410-396-8576
7. Housing violations, vacant buildings 311
8. Abandoned vehicles 311
9. Traffic signals & signs 311
10. Park maintenance 311
11. Illegal drug activity 410-685-DRUG [Yo, dat shit be prejadist en what not! We already up in dis joint—tree-one-one ‘nough cred on dat!]
12. Bulk trash collection, street & alley cleaning [evicted plastic furniture] 311
13. Graffiti removal 311 [Yo Trippy’s shit be fine art en it only gettin’ da tree-one-one!]
14. Sanitation enforcement 311 [Yeah Yo, led dat funky shit alone.]
15. Reporting potholes 311 [Come on Yo, yo really stashin’ da weed in a hole? Yo triflin’ self be downright disrespectful Yo.]
16. Energy assistance 410-396-5555
17. Recycling schedule 410-396-5916 [Really Yo, dey be sayin’ when we can ride bikes? Bud dat shit be downright ray-dick-you-luss—I mean, whad if id ain’t even yo bike; just some chump kid’s outa his mamma’s yard?]
Welcome to The Hood Sir. Our Community Outreach Liason Representative will be with you…
